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Getting stronger 💪🏼

I may not have a sexy body. I may be obese. I sure eat too much to ever get that lower fat percentage. But I’m showing up at the gym every day. I’m riding my hometrainer every day. I’m getting my steps in every day!

I know it’s wrong to do… But sometimes I wonder what I could look like if I could stay off the sweets. If I were strong enough to get myself into thar desperately needed calories deficit. I know I should have a little muscle built up, as I’m slowly able to use heavier weights. Is there a sexy body hidden be eath the access of body fat??? 😇

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Be wise, take it easy

When you learn you have Fibromyalgia, you learn that you’re going (or already are) experiencing pain without a valid reason. You’ll have sore muscles or tendons without there being any reason. So while you know they are OK in reality, unfortunately the pain your brain perceives is very real.

I did learn that I should listen to my body. But if I experience some pains, I should not have to rest all of the time. If the pains were mild enough to do things still, I would not hurt myself by doing them. It was OK to work with a slight discomfort. But if the pains got worse, then it would be wise to stop and try again later.

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Daily pain

It never really gets comfortable. This may sound weird, but many people are comfortable with their body. Some neglect it perhaps but still feel good about it. Some train a lot, watch their marcos and look fabulous and they love their bodies and what they represent.

But living with chronic pain illness means not being comfortable with your body. Never feeling really at ease as there’s always something bugging or bothering you. And painkillers help give relief, at least they do for me! But they don’t take away all the discomfort I’m experiencing. And while I want that trained body, while I love the looks of a trained body, I’m slightly obese. And it’s not that I don’t put in any effort. I sabotage myself for so many reasons (so many excuses…).

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Exceeds expectations

When I started my weightloss journey I had huge hopes. And for quite a while it went OK. Even though Covid19 threw in lockdowns and setbacks, I got back on track and slowly lost that excessive weight I was carrying around. And after my big surgery in September last year, I was doing OK till somewhere in January. Since then, I have been struggling quite a bit.

I know what I want, what I need to do to achieve it, but I just cannot get myself to stick to it. It’s like I want it, but I don’t want it enough perhaps? I put in a little effort and hope for a big outcome. It’s not realistic and all of me knows I am setting myself up to fail. And I want to break that cycle, I just wonder how to make it work. I have done it before, right, so why is it so hard to do it again?

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Running 🏃🏼‍♀️ – Going too fast

And I don’t mean my speed 😉.

I’ve tried to run many times. And always I failed. I tried to follow these guides who promised to have me running 5k within weeks and I believed those programs were also meant for me.

With my hypermobility, with my fibro, with my energy issues because of these two. I thought “of they can do it, so should I”. And of course a positive mind set is important, but I was already putting a big weight on my shoulders. Making it way harder to actually achieve that running goal.

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Not giving up –

even if I give in too often

Even though I’ve been gaining weight, I never stopped hitting the gym. Even though I’m not getting the desired results yet, hitting the gym and working out is healthy. And I love it! So I keep getting up early and hitting the cardio and some strength every day. And I do know that, while I did gain weight, without the gym, without my walks, without my hometrainer, I would have gained a whole lot more!

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Needing help

I have a small list of things I’d like to achieve. Not financially but physically and mentally, personally.

I feel I am motivated enough. But I struggle with pushing through. I give up too easily. A little setback and that voice in the back of my head tells me I’m a failure and I should just give up.

And for years, that’s what I used to do! I gave in, I have up, I was weak and dependent. I know I can be stronger but the thing is, I never needed to be so I’m not used to it.

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IBS – A real 💩 sh*t situation

This isn’t the first time I mentioned IBS, and I’m guessing it also won’t be my last time writing about it. My previous post Fibro – A life-long challenge mentions it shortly. I call it a “light” version. This is how my specialist called it after I explained the symptoms and how often they occur. He didn’t say it meant my pain or difficulty would be less. He said I sounded a wee bit in control of it, which could make it a bit better to handle. And I think he’s been right, as my amount of bad accidents, fortunately, is low.

But when the IBS hits me, I get struck hard and I struggle a lot. It usually takes 8-12 hours before my bowels are so done that I slowly regain some control again. I need tonz of energy to cope and on bad days, all I want to do is snuggle, be warm and comfortable and snooze until the pain eases of a bit.

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Painful weather 🍂

My pain levels are bound to the weather, in a way. Is it below the 16°C, my muscles will hurt more. Is it below 10°C, my tendons will join in. And while my painkillers do help, I don’t want to take too many. I’m already dependent on them to get through the day. I try to take less when the weather is making me more comfortable. But when cold weather, wet weather, is arriving, I need mor meds to get through the day.

And I hate that. I hate the daily pain, I hate the discomfort it brings me, I hate the limited amount of energy I have during these days. Because for me, more pain means I need more energy to deal with that. And leaving me with less energy to get through the day.

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October 2022

I used to share a post on the first of every month where I shared my progress with my weightloss.

Every since I stopped losing weight and started gaining some, I wasn’t motivated anymore to share. It made me feel like a failure. I never got to my goal. And gaining weight made me feel like I wasn’t strong enough to reach my goals… Or, my one goal.

I wanted to feel better and look good. And while part of me felt a bit better, still the reflection of my body in the mirror made me anything but happy…

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