My journey post-divorce…

I had always believed to grow old with my wife. To explore life together as we did for many years. To enjoy each other’s company, to sometimes have big discussions about our beliefs… But we always came through and I truly believed I was set for the rest of my life.

I trusted her with every fiber and the used this against me when she found someone new and wanted a divorce. She pushed and pulled my triggers, making me look like a very bad person. And I couldn’t understand why I was struggling so hard, why I felt guilty all the time, why the feelings of happiness became less… And then the divorce slapped in my face! As I’d been struggling, I tried to OD as I had always been told I’d never make it on my own, something I truly believed in. So ending up on my own scared the living hell out of me and I wanted out!

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Mental and physical health

I often tag my posts with mental health, physical health or both. And the last few weeks I’ve noticed how they can cancel each other while they can also support one another… It’s a thin line, for me, and if I slip either one way or the other, it’s doesn’t mean too much good will come to my health.

With my mental health being low, I wanted to focus on making it better. Or at least as good as it could get. But as I kept failing, I started to shift my focus towards my physical health. My depression was making me binge a lot of foods, to get those endorphins for a wee bit to make me feel better while I ate… And because I focused on my physical health, I can say I’ve avoided gaining waaaay too many kilo’s. I still gained, mind you, but this I should be able to repair in a few months, if my mental health will allow me to focus right…

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Sleep, Energy, Food

I know it should have been very clear to me that these three things are linked. At least, they are for me. I could have known off I had looked further than the first explanations I could think of. But being so tired lately, I just didn’t put enough energy into this thought process. And then… I did. I’m weird some of the time, I know. But, I’ll get to my point, shall I?

I’ve said many times, I’m a comfort eater. If I feel bad, I eat. While eating I feel so good. Afterwards I feel bad again because of all that I consumed. Which sometimes makes me feel bad enough to want to eat even more! I really need to find a way to break this pattern as it’s making me obese again! But it’s not just the seeking of comfort that makes me eat so much…

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Chronically in pain

There are many bad things in this world. Also some bad people. I may be one of them as I certainly have my flaws. I’ve been accused of using my illnesses as excuses to get away with bad behavior. I’ve been told I am a drama queen who will use the attention to get her way. So to some people, I must be a horrible person. And that’s OK, I’ve learned I don’t have to please every single person on this earth.

I used to go out of my way to accommodate people and their wishes. Being bullied so much made me want people to like me so badly, I did just about anything for some positive experiences. Which people then recognized and used against me. Even my (h)ex did this to an extent. And of course those bad things about me, they came from her mind when she wanted to divorce me.

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Will I ever…?

I often ask myself this and I don’t know why. I mean, many things I am in control of, so if I’d want it, I “just” should go out and get it, right? But, there lies the mistake! If it were just my thoughts that mattered and made it all happen, I’d have the body of an athlete, looking lean and not in pain. But I do have several ailments that cause me discomfort on good days and loads of pain on bad ones. And those, combined with the depression I often need to fight, make this “just getting it” a tad harder. But, it doesn’t mean I give up!

It means I need to deal with setbacks. And those who know me know I don’t deal that well with them! I can be as prepared for them as any other person can, but even knowing it’s not better still hits me hard when I’m confronted by it. And I wanted to share part of this journey with you. It’s hard to write as I need to admit I’m not perfect 😇 and I don’t have all the answers. But I’m human, sort of 😉, and I’m trying to learn. Learn from mistakes, learn from others and sometimes learn from the wisdom of the internet.

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Sleep? Huh?

So here I am at 2:38AM, contemplating to just grab my gym bag and head to the gym 😂! I have been up for over an hour, nearly two now. And I feel so full of energy. Which is weird, as I only had bout 3 hours of sleep and they were very restless due to weird dreams…

I have used my weights, done some exercises on my fitness mat and snacked… And have watched A Time To Kill (I finished it) on Prime. I have seen that movie a lot, so I figured, if I would fall asleep, I would not miss anything.

Door Thank GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

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Journal – Week 12, March 2022

Last week I started a “new style” journal. And while I don’t have any feedback on it yet as I write this, I hope me not rehashing all my daily chores will make it more inseresting again. I write about my energy, my mental health, some physical health, a song every day that suits my emotions… I try to write one positive thing every day. And when I feel I also need to focus on some things that went badly, I’ll share as well.

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A new day…

…has begun!

And I have to deal with my demons. I need to get up out of bed, where I should feel warm and safe, and get on with my routine. Do the things that at least make me happier, as I currently struggle feeling real happiness.

I can feel grateful for family and dear friends. I can feel loved when I hug my gall Arwen (for new people, that’s my 8,5 year old Labrador). But when I look at the news, my heart breaks a little every time. And, when I look at my bank/wallet and the prices on our shelves and at the pump, I despair… It may be shortsighted as I still have so much to be grateful for, and I know that, but it doesn’t take away my worries if I will be able to afford any food after my bills have been paid.

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Therapy, splints and braces (and way more!)

I never thought I had bad hands. They were super duper flexible, yes. People tried to hurt my hands with those rolling of the bones manouvres, but they never hurt me as my hands just went with the flow. I sometimes did wonder if my hands lacked some strength, as I sometimes struggled with opening jars and such. I always thought it was because my fingers were too flexible to hav strength, or maybe my hands were too small?

I have always been able to enjoy my hobbies of gaming, photography and blogging. All hobbies that need the use of your hands. Unfortunately I was never a good gamer. I struggled with my eye-hand coordination, my small hand movements were (and still are) bad and I struggle with reflexes and strength. I have taken a few nice photographs, though I am definitely not a pro! I would love to get some one-on-one teaching about taking good pictures, but I just can not afford it. And blogging I have been doing for a while, even when I was in a cast or when I am wearing splints or braces.

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