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Wanting. I want. But do I need?

Everyone has a list of things they would want. Maybe it’s items, maybe it’s making memories, finding love, buying that first home, becoming a (grand) parent? So many things people could wish for. And I’m sure that I have a list as well.

But with everything getting more expensive these days, I wonder more about those wants… Are they realistic? Are they really needed? Can I do with less or maybe without? Would I really use the thing as much as I now vow to do? Would it help or benefit me in any way? Or would it just make me happy and should that be reason enough for now?

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Another day, again…

Even though I always say I am doing fine, I don’t think that’s totally true. I think I am struggling and it just looks like I am doing fine because I keep following my routine. But I can’t keep my calories in check, I watch a lot reels on Instagram where owners of dogs say goodbye to their beloved pets while I brawl… I think I overeat because I feel some emptiness in my life. And for a while I was OK with that, I embraced it, I enjoyed it. But lately, I have been missing someone to cuddle, to chat with, laugh with, game with, cry with, love with…

It’s been over 4 years and in that that time, I didn’t date. I met a guy I had been chatting with once, but within a few days I got the “it’s not you, it’s me” chat and yeah… I thought I was OK on my own, enjoying time with Arwen and with friends. But I keep feeling an emptiness, a space that could do with someone to make it whole again.

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Trying to do better

and failing every time!

I don’t try hard enough!

I give up/in too easily!

I am weak!

I always need help with anything if I every wish to succeed…

Things people told me as long as I’ve been able to remember. I wanted to do everything and anything on my own. I wanted to be strong. But I got talked down a lot. To the point where it became my way of thinking, my way of living. I could not succeed on my own. I should be happy for people that seem to support me and my failings…

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Learning happiness

I always thought I needed loads of things and love to be happy! Cool gadgets, the latest games, sunny and glorious vacations, a loving dog (or two) Iand someone at my side to love.

Man, how I have been taught otherwise in the last 4,5 years…

I won’t deny that those things add to my happiness, I still enjoy all of that. But it stopped defining all of happiness for me.

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I like gaming ๐ŸŽฎ

Sometimes people ask me why I enjoy gaming. And it surprises me that I always have to think about an answer. I know people that can sum up their reasons like they made mental lists of it. But I feel for me the reasons always change. Depending on the weather, my mood, my pain levels… I feel like I don’t have a set in stone answer to why I love gaming so much. So I’d like to use this post to talk, well write, a little about that. ๐Ÿ˜Š

My new gaming avatar

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Alone and active

Going on vacation without a partner or friend that is as equally active as you are can be hard. I love my parents and how they help me to go on vacation. And how they offer to drive me to places so I can walk. But some hikes that I would love to do, I dare not to go alone. And I feel like a burden sometimes, when I am dragging my parents out to drive me somewhere or to wait for me if I am running late.

I do try to send messages along the way. But with the Alms here, cell coverage comes and goes. So I try it with old fashioned text messages while hiking, as they need a simple, low, connection to be send out. But if I deviate from the plan, like I did last Thursday, I will be later than planned and they have to wait for me to arrive…

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Cuddles with my gall

Nothing more therapeutic than that…

Everyone who has a pet that can be caressed, cuddled, held close, will definitely know the feeling it gives. You feel sad, you grab your beloved pet and while putting your nose in it’s fur (in my case), you feel the sadness slowly moving away from you.

Arwen (3 weeks) and me

Just a wee bit ago, my little brown gall turned 9. She was born on July 15th 2013. This picture of me with her was taken when she was 3 weeks young, the first time me and my then fiancรฉe met her. We already knew we wanted to call her Arwen, a name that I came up with. A name that I still love, not just because it’s a geeky name ๐Ÿ˜‰ but also because it’s a beautiful name. And a very uncommon one.

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I’m no longer a victim!

I try to remember this every time something triggers me to my harmful past…

I am free. Struggling on many points. But free. No one tells me I’m bad, I’m doing it wrong, I won’t make it. But…

Here I am, telling myself all of this! What? Why? I need to learn to not sabotage my true self. I can be myself now, free of harm. Why would I not choose this path over all others?

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She was loved – is loved

I’ve been doing it for years. I have been treating myself with no love, without respect, without any care. I never felt I was deserving of these things. I always believed that I was not worthy, even though a small part of me knew I had so much to offer if only I was given a fair chance. But that fair bit was lacking for such a long time, bullies were protected, I got disciplined and many people treated me like dirt.

There were a few good people out there, a few that understood me as I was. Few who could see through me, through the different sides of me that so many disliked. When the most important one suddenly died when I was 16, I got into my first real major depression. It was as if a part of me had died with her. I never got to say goodbye. We had parted on an argument that I never got to apologize for. So I lived with sadness and regrets, things that ate away a part of me that I never have been able to rebuild.

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Finding a balance – to even things out

I have been sabotaging myself. I have been doing it for years. On many occasions. And most of the time, I didn’t even notice. It was just something I learned to do. Something I was taught, in a way. And it took me two long relationships, an ugly divorce and an OD attempt plus recovery time to find this out.

How did I learn to sabotage myself? I think it was quite easy now that I look back on it all. People bullied me a lot. I wasn’t the same as the “normal” kids. I got beaten, name called, items destroyed or stolen, singled out… Not just by kids, also by adults. They didn’t know how to handle me, as I behaved differently. It was the early 80’s. Things like ADHD and ASS were still in early discovery stages, especially for girls.

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