Journal – Week 20, May 2022

Another week in May… The weather is slowly improving and it really helps my health so much. Less cold means a little less pain and I really dig that πŸ˜‰. Unfortunately the pain and discomfort never totally leave me but all that goes, I enjoy it because I’m able to move a wee bit more freely.

It promised to be a warm and wet week…
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Fitness – That good feeling

It’s well known that regular exercise has numerous positive health outcomes for the body, such as strengthening the muscles, bones, heart, and lungs and helping to prevent certain diseases.

One often-overlooked benefit is the impact of physical activity on mental health.

Considering the high prevalence of anxiety, depression, and other mental health conditions worldwide, countless people may benefit from the positive mental health effects of exercise.

https://www.healthline.com/health/depression/exercise

It pumps up your endorphins.Β Physical activity may help bump up the production of your brain’s feel-good neurotransmitters, called endorphins. Although this function is often referred to as a runner’s high, any aerobic activity, such as a rousing game of tennis or a nature hike, can contribute to this same feeling.

https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/exercise-and-stress/art-20044469
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Making promises to myself – and keeping them! πŸ’ͺ🏼

I have written about all my struggles here. I have shared my pain and sometimes my wins. I have been open with you, that if you had the time and energy to read all my dribble, you’d know me well enough to become a good friend! Or a bad opponent!

I know I’m making myself more vulnerable in a way by putting myself out here. My blog is sort of anonymous, as I don’t use my real name. I use a nickname and people that do know me will definitely know it’s me. Especially since I’ve chosen to share pictures of myself and my dog. And I would not want it in any other way! After the divorce, many lies have been told about me. Many half truths and I just wanted to share my story. My side. I know the truth can be found in between all those stories, her side and mine. I know I’ve experienced it all from my point of view, but I never wanted to point a finger and tell all the flaws. So instead, I’ve been pointing at. Myself, mostly, sharing who I really am.

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Journal – Week 19, May 2022

A new week in May, the week where I celebrate my 42nd birthday. Although I’m not really sure I’ll celebrate as I don’t think many people are able to visit me. I also didn’t send out many invitations as I just wasn’t up to that. Part of me wanted to celebrate but the bigger part just wanted to catch up with some friends and family and be OK with that. 😊 So I didn’t want to push myself into a situation I’d feel uncomfortable with, so I decided against it, of which I’m really proud as the old me would have wanted it all! And then she’d crumble and mess up big time.

The weather forecast is a big mix of many styles. I shared the image last week but I’ll share again as it’s uploaded now anyway πŸ˜‰. Let’s get started on May 9th, shall we?

Prediction for the weather as of Sunday afternoon.
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My journey post-divorce…

I had always believed to grow old with my wife. To explore life together as we did for many years. To enjoy each other’s company, to sometimes have big discussions about our beliefs… But we always came through and I truly believed I was set for the rest of my life.

I trusted her with every fiber and the used this against me when she found someone new and wanted a divorce. She pushed and pulled my triggers, making me look like a very bad person. And I couldn’t understand why I was struggling so hard, why I felt guilty all the time, why the feelings of happiness became less… And then the divorce slapped in my face! As I’d been struggling, I tried to OD as I had always been told I’d never make it on my own, something I truly believed in. So ending up on my own scared the living hell out of me and I wanted out!

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Mental and physical health

I often tag my posts with mental health, physical health or both. And the last few weeks I’ve noticed how they can cancel each other while they can also support one another… It’s a thin line, for me, and if I slip either one way or the other, it’s doesn’t mean too much good will come to my health.

With my mental health being low, I wanted to focus on making it better. Or at least as good as it could get. But as I kept failing, I started to shift my focus towards my physical health. My depression was making me binge a lot of foods, to get those endorphins for a wee bit to make me feel better while I ate… And because I focused on my physical health, I can say I’ve avoided gaining waaaay too many kilo’s. I still gained, mind you, but this I should be able to repair in a few months, if my mental health will allow me to focus right…

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Chronically in pain

There are many bad things in this world. Also some bad people. I may be one of them as I certainly have my flaws. I’ve been accused of using my illnesses as excuses to get away with bad behavior. I’ve been told I am a drama queen who will use the attention to get her way. So to some people, I must be a horrible person. And that’s OK, I’ve learned I don’t have to please every single person on this earth.

I used to go out of my way to accommodate people and their wishes. Being bullied so much made me want people to like me so badly, I did just about anything for some positive experiences. Which people then recognized and used against me. Even my (h)ex did this to an extent. And of course those bad things about me, they came from her mind when she wanted to divorce me.

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Journal – Week 17, April – May 2022

This last week of April would end with the first day of May. A day where I will measure myself, my circumference, my weight, all those things I’ve been trying to avoid because I know I won’t be happy with the numbers. I’ve been eating too much. And whil I exercise a whole lot (at least I think I do), it’s definitely not been enough to counter all the calories that got stuck at my belly rolls and my big behind…

Weather forecast wasn’t too good, balcony and walkies wise. Only 13 degrees (Celcius) and rain for Monday. Then temps between 13-19 degrees. For the balcony, I prefer 17 and up, with sun, without wind… 😊 So I’ll probably won’t be able to enjoy the sun as much… Maybe better luck next week… But how did my week go? I’ll add to this post every day and of course share it on Tuesday πŸ˜‰.

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Will I ever…?

I often ask myself this and I don’t know why. I mean, many things I am in control of, so if I’d want it, I “just” should go out and get it, right? But, there lies the mistake! If it were just my thoughts that mattered and made it all happen, I’d have the body of an athlete, looking lean and not in pain. But I do have several ailments that cause me discomfort on good days and loads of pain on bad ones. And those, combined with the depression I often need to fight, make this “just getting it” a tad harder. But, it doesn’t mean I give up!

It means I need to deal with setbacks. And those who know me know I don’t deal that well with them! I can be as prepared for them as any other person can, but even knowing it’s not better still hits me hard when I’m confronted by it. And I wanted to share part of this journey with you. It’s hard to write as I need to admit I’m not perfect πŸ˜‡ and I don’t have all the answers. But I’m human, sort of πŸ˜‰, and I’m trying to learn. Learn from mistakes, learn from others and sometimes learn from the wisdom of the internet.

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