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Exceeds expectations

When I started my weightloss journey I had huge hopes. And for quite a while it went OK. Even though Covid19 threw in lockdowns and setbacks, I got back on track and slowly lost that excessive weight I was carrying around. And after my big surgery in September last year, I was doing OK till somewhere in January. Since then, I have been struggling quite a bit.

I know what I want, what I need to do to achieve it, but I just cannot get myself to stick to it. It’s like I want it, but I don’t want it enough perhaps? I put in a little effort and hope for a big outcome. It’s not realistic and all of me knows I am setting myself up to fail. And I want to break that cycle, I just wonder how to make it work. I have done it before, right, so why is it so hard to do it again?

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Getting fit – Gaining confidence

I know that losing weight will make me look better. I know that losing weight will make me feel better. It will be helpful for my fibro, it will be able to reduce some of my pains due to less strain on my body.

But maybe, for me, the most important thing will be to regain some confidence in myself. After creating too many big steps, after failing so many of them, I’ve been working on making my steps and goals way smaller. In the past I’d go for one big goal which was never easy to reach. So I’d always set myself up to fail.

Small steps
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Getting back on track

Starting Friday…

I have been slacking with my exercises. I knew I would, as it’s a vacation. I have tried to get some decent walks in, but I also snacked, had bad weather days and ate loads of delicious Schnitzels! I knew I would allow myself some slack, some enjoyment of the good things that both Austria and Germany had to offer me. But I also planned to get back on track with my training after the vacation would be over. And it would be good on my wallet as well, with things being so expensive as they are these days…

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A new month: May 2022

My birth month. A month in which we usually get better weather. A month where I’ll hopefully be able to finally lose some weight again 💪🏼. I desperately want to lose it as I don’t feel so comfortable with my slight obesity. 😔 I can ride the bike again, it still needs some replacements/repairs but they’re ordered. So hopefully by the time I finish this post and I can share it, I will have an appointment for the replacing.

Last month I didn’t take my measurements. I was too ashamed of the weight gain. Too ashamed to see the gain I’ve had in numbers while taking my measurements. But this month, I’m biting the bullet again, measuring myself on April 30th so I can share this on May first. I need to be honest with myself and setbacks are part of the journey, unfortunately.

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Fitness – Getting in shape

Many of you know I lost +30 kilo’s since September 2019. It didn’t come easy and I still struggle as I love eating too damned much! Plus I battle with depressions a lot and I’m a comfort eater. So those are not good things when you’re trying to lose weight and get in shape.

Let me also assure you that I am in no way a pro! Yes, I did it all on my own. With the help from the machines at the gym and I eventually got a rower and a bike/hometrainer at home. But I still hit the gym for at least an hour every morning.

But, people have wondered how I manage to ride 80 km on my hometrainer. How I manage to keep my legs active for 3+ hours at a time. And I can assure you, it’s definitely not easy but… I’ve trained for it. And even though I don’t have the weight nor shape I would love to have, I still lost 30+ kilo’s so something I did, I did right. Right?

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Keeping my goal in focus

Back in August 2019 I finally came out of my depression. It had been a huge one and a long one. I went into it in June 2018, when my whole work fell apart when my then wife pushed for a divorce. The life as I had known it for many years fell apart. I was on my own for the first time in my life and I really struggled to adapt and adjust. I tried to OD on sleeping pills. I was hospitalized for a few days. Then, my new reality had sank in and I started looking for apartments as I needed a new place to live. A place that Arwen and I could start calling our home.

I struggled with depression. I got meds, I got therapy. And slowly I adjusted to life on my own. To needing to care for myself. But that was hard. As I still had thoughts of suicide until somewhere in October/November 2018. Then I was slowly getting used to it. I was going through the stages of grief. Losing my love and my life hit me hard. And in the process, I lost some people I had thought to be my friends. So it felt like I was really on my own. If I had not had Arwen to care for, I might not have been here anymore…

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Weight – Creeping towards the 80

If you are a long time follower of my blog, you know about my weightloss journey. If you are new here, welcome, and yes, I have been working hard on losing my obesity. After the divorce, I tried to OD because my depression was too bad and convinced me my life was not worth living anymore. And I was so very fragile, I believed it and tried to follow through.

I got meds after the OD. They took some time getting used to and one of the side affects was eating/overeating/feeling hungry. I had worked hard to lose weight before I got hit with the divorce. But the depression and meds made me not give a frak and I just ate whatever I wanted and whenever I wanted it. I hardly exercised and gained weight quickly. And to be honest, I did feel bad about gaining weight but I just couldn’t be bothered enough to really care.

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Determination 💪

When I was fighting my big dark monster called depression, I found it almost impossible to do anything that I usually loved to do. I just wanted to sleep and cry and lock myself away from the world. Thanks to Arwen, I got out of the house and had a reason to keep going. Without her, I am not sure if I would be writing this… My monster was a badass one and it was strong.

I finally was able to reach out and ask for more help, after a few days in the hospital (after my OD attempt). I struggled for a few weeks, got new meds which made me very hungry… So I started eating like a mad woman, also because I thought the food and snacks were bringing me comfort. Of course this wasn’t true and all I got was very obese and sad…

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