Bad health, bad friend

Due to my struggles with my bad health, both mental as physical, I haven’t been in the best of moods. I struggle to keep going and I feel like I am the worst friend ever. As I haven’t been on Facebook a lot, I felt it dragged me down and I didn’t feel like being “social”. I know I missed friends’ birthdays and I feel so horrible about it.

If I have missed yours, I am sorry. I truly am. But my state of mind just sucks at the moment and I find it hard to get through the days. I used to have a birthday calender but I didn’t get it in the divorce, so it’s also hard for me to remember birthdays when I don’t have Facebook to help me remember… 😭 I am sorry!

Mental health – Needing daily meds

Because of my hip and fibro, I need daily painkillers. But, because of my mental health issues, I also need daily pills. Ever since I have tried to kill myself with an OD of sleeping pills, I have been on medication. At first, I was very sceptic, as I had tried meds before and so far, they had all let me down or made me worse than I was without them.

First, I got Risperidone. Then, when I kept feeling suicidal, they added Mirtazapine. I have shared a bit about these meds a few days ago, and since then I have Googled them so I could give you a bit more information. And maybe help end the stigma that needing meds for your mental well being is not done. It has taken me a while before I could write about it here. And I guess it was partly due to shame, indeed, I was ashamed of needing meds for my autism and depressions.

Mental health – Gathering knowledge

I’ve always been interested in phychology. The working of the human brain is a marvelous thing. And once I knew I had several phychological illnesses, I became more interested in learning about those. First I used Google, making prints of all sites that were interesting to me. Then I started buying books. Some I delved right in, anxious to learn. But of those, some were written in such a confrontational way, to me, that I found it very hard to keep reading.

After the divorce I dived back into my books. In the beginning I thought those books would help me regain my life as I once knew it. I really believed my ex would miss me so much that she would want to try again. I know I missed her like hell and because of it all, I kinda went through hell. Trying to OD. Being hospitalized for a few days. Struggling to let go of my old life.

Mental health – Self doubt

I’ve been a victim of severe bullying from age 4-16. I’ve often heard I did things wrong, I wasn’t this enough or I didn’t do that well enough. It make me often doubt myself and my abilities to do things. Even to points where I’d just not do it because I thought I would mess it up if I did.

My ex boyfriend often blamed me for things going wrong with him. If he lost something, I had misplaced it. If he forgot an appointment, I should have remembered him more of it. There was always a reason to find within my doing. So when I met my girlfriend, I thought things would change.

Autism – Just another day

Being on the spectrum, I have found out early (before I even knew of that spectrum) that I thrive on a set, daily routine. I hate not knowing what is about to happen and when sudden things happen, they can quite overwhelm me. When something small happens, I have learned how to cope, though to be honest, it still goes wrong at times. But with major changes or setbacks, I feel like I struggle more than the average person to deal with it. To accept it for what it is and to keep going.

I have written before about needing routines, and now adjusting them due to the lockdown our country is in. If you have missed those posts and you are interested in reading them, I’ll quick-link them here for your convenience: Autism – Boring routines, Covid19 – Losing my routine, again and Autism – Lockdown routine. But what happens with me when I have to deal with a change in plans? How do I try to deal with sudden changes? I’ve tried to put my thoughts and feelings to words, hoping to give you a glimpse into my wicked mind.

Autism – Lockdown routine

Those who have been following this blog already know that I am on the spectrum. As in, I have a form of autism. Those of you who have been following also know that I thrive on a daily routine. New people, welcome to my blog site and, now you also know.

I have written about it previously, so I shall share some links here if you are interested in reading the older posts on this topic: Routine – After all those years – Autism – Boring routines – Covid19 – Losing my routine, again. This post will be about how I try to handle the changes I needed to make in my routine in order to struggle as little as possible during this new lockdown that’s been happening for almost 5 weeks in the Netherlands.

Covid19 – Losing my routine, again

There we go again. Another tight lockdown. Another 5 weeks at least without the gym. I am writing this during the first day of the new lockdown and I am already struglling. I went to bed later, so got up later. I walked the dog. Made breakfast for both her and me. And now I am laying on the couch.

I feel dead tired and I have barely done a thing. I feel cold and down. I already miss the healthy routine that gave me so muc stability. The routine that helped me lose weight. The routine I really enjoyed, even though I sometimes hated going to bed early.

Autism – Boring routines

When every day looks like any other day, it could get boring. Too predictable. No fun perhaps? That is what it is for me, with the exception of going to a store here or there, all days look alike.

The Friday and Saturday, I go to bed at 23, other days at 22. Monday till Friday I get up at 7 to be in te gym when it opens at 8. Since the gym opens at 9 in the weekend, I can go to bed an hour later and get up a hour later as well.

Being social with Autism

You long time readers know I am on the spectrum, as they call it. And if you are new here, welcome, and for your information, I am on the spectrum 😉 Being on the spectrum means I have a form of autism, the kind they used to call Asperger’s Syndrome. Some people also called it “high functioning” but I really dislike that term. It makes me cringe…

My autism was diagnosed at a later stage in my life, I was in my 30s when they were diagnosing me for possible ADHD. The psych saw relatively quickly that I had ADHD, but she thought I might have more than that. So we had extra talks and chats and in the end, I got a duo diagnosis: Asperger’s Syndrome and ADHD.

Autism – Between the lines

I have a form of autism, the kind that used to be called “Asperger’s Syndrome” before we all got this spectrum to be on 😉 Occasionally I write about things that I struggle with that, in my opinion, are connected to my autism. Hence my title. If you didn’t get it… And if you do get it, yay! As this will be about taking things literally and my incapacity to “read between the lines”, hence missing out on things all others just acknowledge and understand.

While growing up, I often didn’t get jokes people were telling. I laughed when others did, but not getting the point. Also, sometimes I would dabble with a joke and try to tell it, which was successful about half of the time. Of course I often didn’t understand why people weren’t capable of getting my joke and it took some time to realize that people often don’t take things all too literal, like I do.