Autism – Live and learn

I’ve always been different. I felt it. I knew it. I was heavily bullied for it. Not just bad words, but I’ve also been beaten, have my hair pulled off my scalp, had stuff forcebly taken (stolen) from me. It mostly happened at school and sometimes also out of school. I tried to tell teachers but that always made things worse. I’d always end up more bruised and they never got me my stolen items back as the ones who took it denied it and were believed over me.

These events scarred me for life. I’ve always had trouble trusting people and I still have great difficulty when getting to know someone either in real life or online. I’m always afraid I’ll say the wrong things. And due to my brain being wired differently, that occasionally happens to me. I either make a wrong remark/comment or I react to slow (I sometimes need extra time to process what’s been said and probably meant by it), which people find annoying and sometimes rude as well.

Autism – Social skills

As most of you long time readers know, I have autism. It’s what they used to call a high functioning version, it used to be called Asperger’s Syndrome. It makes me struggle with social situations. More than I care to admit.

Plus Ive been bullied for many years throughout schools, so that doesn’t really help my confidence when it comes to people skills… But I’m trying and I’m likely to make mistakes. Some might cost me more than others, as I’ve lost friendships over not reacting in a social correct way, if that exists…

*image found through Google*

Autism – Light sensitive

For as long as I can remember, I almost always wear sunglasses when I’m outside. Even when it’s raining. Just not when it’s dark, then my eyes are fine. People have often wondered why I wear them so much. I’ve gotten a lot of comments, some nice and informative, but some rude and well… Let’s keep it at just rude.

I never really thought about it. I just felt more comfortable outside with sunglasses. Without them, I’d have trouble seeing and I would get these huge headaches. So better wear those glasses and feel good.

Busy mind, crappy body

Living with either a mental health issue or a physical one can be hard. When you’re blessed with several of both, life can sometimes seem impossible…

Snoopy’s wisdom.

Two people with the same diagnosic issues can experience it very differently. I’m writing from my own experience with my own mind and body. I’m no medical professional. I’m not the one to go to for medical advice. If you’re struggling and wonder if you might need help, reach out before it’s too late! You can better ask for help and in the end not need it, than wait for it to never come as things might get worse.

Autism – Planning ahead

As I mentioned in previously published blog posts, I have autism (the “old” Asperger’s Syndrome kind). And… I love to plan ahead. And, to be a party pooper, I hate surprises. Well, ones that involve (many) people… As I’m not too good in big group.

But “Planning ahead”, that’s me. I always like to know at least a day or two in advance what is up for me. When plans I have are changed in the last minute or so, it can easily swirl me into an anxiety attack, not knowing what to do with myself and how to handle the situation. I can easily panic when I don’t know what is expected of me. When I plan something with friends, they know how I can’t handle last minute changes. But unfortunately most appointments I have are with people that are not my friends and who don’t give a flying f*ck if I can handle their changing/canceling the appointment last minute, they just do as they please and I need to deal with that.

Just a picture of me to accompany the post.

To some I may lead a very boring life. To some, it might look very organized, I’ve heard very different opinions of people about my “way of life”. But I plan my days. And it works best for me if every day has the same kind of structure as the day before. I used to have different times I went to bed, different times I got up and I just couldn’t deal with it. It disturbed me more than I could explain and I didn’t know why I felt the way I did.

Autism – Noice cancelation

As you might have read in an earlier post, I have autism, or ASS (I think it’s ASD autism spectrum disorder in English). The autism form I have used to be called Asperger’s Syndrome. But ever since the DMV V (5) came out, all autism falls under the ASS/ASD name.

I always knew I was different. I’ve been bullied quite a bit and for a long time because I reacted differently, because I behaved differently from the other kids at school. I was 31 when, after tests and many talks, I got the diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome and ADHD.

I’ve always been sensitive of light, wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses most of the time when being outside. I even prefer a cap when I’m inside where they have fluorescent lights as they hurt my eyes. I have also always hated certain noises. Some even hurt me, something most people couldn’t understand. I often got replies like “it’s not that loud” or “it was only for a few seconds”. So ever since I could afford a Walkman, I always had music with me. Walkman, Discman, MD player, iPod. When I went outside, I almost always had music with me. Especially when traveling with public transport. I never knew why all those sounds bothered me so much as they did until my diagnosis.

Daily struggles

Living with a mental and/or physical disability isn’t always easy. Some things you learn to live with, to deal with, to cope with. Not always because you want to, more because you have to. If you don’t you’ll only have yourself to blame in the end.

I’ve always felt like I was different. I always was the odd one out. I always was two steps behind and didn’t get the jokes but just laughed along. Doctors in the 80’s gave me an IQ test, I scored pretty high (140) so they just said that my IQ was the reason for me behaving differently. I’ve been bullied a lot through many years and many schools. It seemed like I was a bully magnet, they just felt I was different which made me an easy target. It took me many years before I moved and got a new GP. I was in my early 30’s then. I kept suffering huge headaches but they weren’t migranes. So I went to the GP and he referred me to a hospital for a head scan. I got two scans to see if anything was seen that could be the cause of the headaches. There they registered a huge brain activity. So I was referred to a mental help coach. With her, I had many talks and tests. Also talks with my mum and my then partner. In the end she had two disgnoses for me: Asperger’s Syndrome (now it’s called an ASD, a form of Autism) and ADHD. I was shocked at first and then I started to read up on my Asperger’s and wow, so many things started to make sense to me. It was like I was reading a manual into Cynni’s way of life, thinking and doing. I finally had a reason for seeing and doing certain things so differently from others.

I’ve read several books and went to a class to learn about my autism and ADHD. I learned several coping meganisms and such and my life went on. I had a decent life, I had a partner that (then) loved me, I was engaged, had a decent job and a nice dog and life just went OK. Shortly after I got married, my physical health took a dive for the worst though. I had so many pains, I cried in my sleep (or so I got told) and it was a struggle to work. In the end my then wife called my job and said I was sick and couldn’t work. A doc’s appointment was made and I got some tests again. Another diagnosis was coming my way, Fibromyalgia. A form of Rheumatism. I already had Raynaud’s and also my hip replaced (back in 2008). I never went back to work, as I couldn’t cope. I struggled with doctors and health care for 3 years, fighting for my rights. I was very grateful I didn’t have to fight alone, my wife was very supportive. Now, I am on disability and even though I’d rather be able to work, I am grateful (especially on my bad days) that I don’t have to struggle at a job.