In my own bubble

I’m AuDHD. Autistic with ADHD. Focus on the hyper bit… I sometimes still say that I have autism. That I struggle with it at times. While it is true, some people take offense to this. I struggle with that, as it’s my own experience with my own life 🤔.

I know I don’t have it. It’s not a thing I own. I am it. It’s me. And that’s OK.

For years I’ve been bullied and shamed for being different (and difficult to some). I withdrew more and started to be better on my own. I get easily stimulated and distracted, two things that can build up to not feeling my best.

Focus – Hyperfocus

You’re working on something. You concentrate on getting the job done. It takes a while. But then you are done, you breathe an exhilarated breath of air and you pat yourself on the shoulder and… You walk away. Jobe is done.

You’re working on something. Next to you are prints with all extra information. You highlight bits, make notes, dive into the subject more than is necessary. You Google all you can find, make more prints and then hen you’re feeling rather optimistic and sure then you’ll have at it. When it’s almost done you procrastinate. You don’t want it to be done. There’s so much more to learn from this about this. How could it be over so quickly?

Social failure

I have a very strong sense of failure. Probably because I’ve been told so often that I did things wrong… I am very strict with myself. When I mess something up, I can get really angry with myself over it. Especially if I knew this bad thing could happen. I learned to know my strength and weaknesses. And some I may be able to get better at. But some, I fear, will always remain a struggle to me.

One if those things is social contacts. Making friends. Keeping them. I’ve lost a great deal of friends because of my bad social interaction. I’m too direct. I appear not interested enough. I seem focused on me and not my friend. Some bits are definitely true, unfortunately. It all has reasons, but the explanation doesn’t make the bad interaction less bad. OK maybe it does, as it would help the other to understand me better. But I still feel like a shitty friend.

Training to survive

This title may sound very adventurous. Like I’m heading on a big trip that includes survival in jungles or something like that. But nope, I’m sorry, you’ve been mislead. Nothing like that.

I always knew I was different. Or difficult to some. I saw things in ways others never did. I solved issues in ways others thought wrong, even if my results topped theirs. My brain is running on Linux in a Windows oriented environment. It both works if you know how to use the system. They may even work together, but they both need different commands to get the same results. And that’s OK with me. But…

Searching for friends

I used to be very active on Facebook. But then times changed, I changed and I found the atmosphere on FB changed. I had a Twitter account and made friends there. And then the bird app got a new ruler and the atmosphere was blown to smithereens…

So I was looking for a replacement, preferably one where I could reconnect with old friends and maybe make some new connections as well. At first I found Mastodon. It felt good, it felt nice and I was enjoying myself. But I felt something missing and discovered that many of my old birdie 🐦 friends had switched to Hyve.

Autism blocking my train of thoughts

Wow that’s a big mouth full of a title. But a while ago, I struggled and I hit it hard. It had been a while since I’ve been this lost for the right words and while I’m glad it only happens occasionally, it does happen and I feel like I should write about me. Maybe it’s happening to more people and it would be nice to chat with others who have lived through something like this as well.

My brain is like a super highway. 6 to 12 lines all going one way, fast! The Nürburgring has never seen speeds like these… And when I block, when I get triggered in any way, those lanes start to jumble. It gets harder to give a voice to the right track. Or, it’s like a super high speed train. Wagons 1 3 have the thing you want to say, but before your brain catches up with your mouth, you’re talking about wagons 4-6, missing your original point and often making things worse. It sounds messy, doesn’t it? And believe me, it truly is 😔…

Now Watching – The Good Doctor

My parents talked about this show a few times. So when I saw it on Disney+ I decided to give it a go. Let’s copy and paste a bit of info about this show 😉

The Good Doctor is an American medical drama television series based on the 2013 South Korean series of the same name. Actor Daniel Dae Kim noticed the original series and bought the rights for his production company. He began adapting the series and, in 2015, eventually shopped it to CBS Television Studios. CBS decided against creating a pilot. Because Kim felt so strongly about the series, he bought back the rights from CBS. Eventually, Sony Pictures Television and Kim worked out a deal and brought on David Shore, creator of the Fox medical drama House, to develop the series.[

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Good_Doctor_(TV_series)

Trying to do better

and failing every time!

I don’t try hard enough!

I give up/in too easily!

I am weak!

I always need help with anything if I every wish to succeed…

Things people told me as long as I’ve been able to remember. I wanted to do everything and anything on my own. I wanted to be strong. But I got talked down a lot. To the point where it became my way of thinking, my way of living. I could not succeed on my own. I should be happy for people that seem to support me and my failings…

Knowing the rules…

…but not understanding them!

When you grow up being different from others, it should not be so hard. But being different meant being ridiculed, being teased, being bullied and used as a punishing bag. It meant not being a part of a group, it meant being alone and miserable all the time.

I tried to learn the rules. I tried to use them. I tried to be “normal”, as I hoped the bullying and physical attacks would end then. If they could see me as one of them. Of course they never did. And I never was able to understand, as I thought I did everything right. I tried to hard, I even prayed and things just went from bad to worse. What was wrong with me? 😭

Enjoying my routines

I have several routines that I try to follow on a daily basis. This may seem boring to some, but for me it is a great help in getting through the days OK. I don’t deal with surprises well, so knowing what I’ll do and when I will do it is a big comfort. Plus I can prepare for it in time, releasing the “last minute stress” by a big load…

I can get groceries when people come over and make sure the apartment isn’t overrun with Arwen’s happy (hairy) glitters. I can make sure I will not have anything planned when people come over. If I know they are gaming friends, I make sure my controllers are charged.