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Autism blocking my train of thoughts

Wow that’s a big mouth full of a title. But a while ago, I struggled and I hit it hard. It had been a while since I’ve been this lost for the right words and while I’m glad it only happens occasionally, it does happen and I feel like I should write about me. Maybe it’s happening to more people and it would be nice to chat with others who have lived through something like this as well.

My brain is like a super highway. 6 to 12 lines all going one way, fast! The NΓΌrburgring has never seen speeds like these… And when I block, when I get triggered in any way, those lanes start to jumble. It gets harder to give a voice to the right track. Or, it’s like a super high speed train. Wagons 1 3 have the thing you want to say, but before your brain catches up with your mouth, you’re talking about wagons 4-6, missing your original point and often making things worse. It sounds messy, doesn’t it? And believe me, it truly is πŸ˜”…

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Journal – Week 46, November 2022

A new week. A week in which I’m eager to fight my darkest monster. A week where I want to battle with my calories. I feel more confident, but I may still fail as I’ve given my dark monster quite some strength the last few weeks. I want to win. Maybe not this week… But I sure wish to make a start. I’m worth it! 😁

Colder. Wet at times. Temperatures are in Celcius. 😊
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Getting stronger πŸ’ͺ🏼

I may not have a sexy body. I may be obese. I sure eat too much to ever get that lower fat percentage. But I’m showing up at the gym every day. I’m riding my hometrainer every day. I’m getting my steps in every day!

I know it’s wrong to do… But sometimes I wonder what I could look like if I could stay off the sweets. If I were strong enough to get myself into thar desperately needed calories deficit. I know I should have a little muscle built up, as I’m slowly able to use heavier weights. Is there a sexy body hidden be eath the access of body fat??? πŸ˜‡

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Pain – Real or fibro?

I wrote about this in previous posts. How I had to learn how to recognize pain due to injury and pain from the fibro. They may feel the same but have different outcomes. Fibro pain cannot be really helped, besides a painkiller. Physical pain should not be ignored as it can lead to more injury…

While I am getting better with separating these two, there are times where I still have my doubts. Also, due to my hypermobility, I may experience pains that aren’t common but related to joints not being OK. Like that time last year where I walked around with a dislocated thumb for three days πŸ˜‚. I experienced it as a minor discomfort with occasional pains…

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When you need to fight something it takes energy. But what if the thing you’re fighting is usurping all your available energy? What if the thing you’re up against is trying to make sure you’re out of defenses? And to make it more difficult, you’re aware of this happening and there’s nothing to do against. You’ll sleep bad, you feel exhausted without too much of anything and all you would like to do is curl up under a warm blanket and just… Exist.

This is what fighting depression is for me. It sucks away the few spoons I have and then it tries to push me in a corner. It tells me I’m weak and it makes sure I’ll feel that way as well. It tells me I’m useless and it takes away all my abilities to do things, to be useful. It’s crippling you and taking away the crutches, making you stumble and fall, having to work hard to get to a position where you can start winning the fight.

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Journal – Week 45, November 2022

A new week. Weather really turned to autumn now. I have some appointments, some for me, one for mum, and for the rest it’ll probably be another usual week. 😊 Not that I’m complaining, I like knowing what will happen, in a sense. I’m still fighting the dark monster, it’s draining my energy. Even hitting the gym feels like a hard chore at times, as I’m so tired. But I’ll keep the routine as I know it really helps me. And I try to gather spoons to get strong enough to fight off the monster…

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Mental Health – We all have it

But it seems like it’s way harder to talk about it than our physical health. We talk easily about our broken leg, our obesity, our six-pack, our successes at the gym. But when it comes to mental health, I often feel there’s this big taboo.

And I understand it. I also come from that generation that got told crying was for the weak, always appear strong so you’ll be strong in the end. I’ve been bullied for being different. Ridiculed by classmates, teachers and some family. So I also shut down and kept my mental issues to myself. I learned to mask, to act, to pretend. And I believe many of us have been brought up with this mindset. And now it’s time to realize that having issues with our mental health is nothing to be ashamed of. Why aren’t we ashamed of a broken leg and why do we hide our depressions, for instance?

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Depression 🌩️ taking my spoons πŸ₯„

I know this will sound like an excuse but I’m slacking again. I have so many wants. I have so many things I would like to do, to reach, to achieve. But lately I just don’t have the energy. I still want the things but it feels I don’t want them enough. It feels like giving up. Not because I lost interest, but because I lack the energy.

People see me. An obese, 40+ gall with short hair and some weird social interactions. Almost always wearing sunglasses outside, often spotted with my headphones on, trying to be in my own bubble… My disabilities are not visible. OK some stimming might be spotted by someone paying attention to that detail. But to most, I look like a healthy person.

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Depression, food, comfort, weight.

As I’ve shared with you, I’m battling with my darkest monster again. I feel it on so many routine bits changing. And some changed in an unhealthy pattern. And even when I noticed I was being unhealthy, I indulged. I crashed. I gave in and let it all happen as I didn’t care.

Scale GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

But here I am, caring again. Slowly climbing out of that dark hole. Slowly fighting back. I did the dishes. Win! I cleaned the apartment. Another win. But I kept on eating more and more. And I tried to battle that with exercise. Damn I spend so much time on that hometrainer. And it helped me not to look like a big stranded whale 🐳 now. But I gained a lot of weight and I need to fight it. I need to lose it. It’s bad for me to be obese in so many ways. Fight Cynni, fight hard and win!

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Depression – Going down and dark

Chronic depression. I’ve had it since my diagnosis at age 16/17. I’ve struggled a lot. Even been almost diagnosed with Bipolar due to the nature of my depressions. But 4 dacs couldn’t agree so they stayed with chronic depression…

Persistent depressive disorder, also called dysthymia (dis-THIE-me-uh), is a continuous long-term (chronic) form of depression. You may lose interest in normal daily activities, feel hopeless, lack productivity, and have low self-esteem and an overall feeling of inadequacy. These feelings last for years and may significantly interfere with your relationships, school, work and daily activities.
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