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Being honest, being real

As long as I can remember, I’ve hated lies, lying and everything to do with being dishonest. I needed to tell a white lie once and I almost started crying ๐Ÿ˜‚! I was in a store to get some supplies to surprise my partner and she called me asking where I was….

I feel like lies will only get me in trouble. Being honest has gotten me in many bad situations as well, but that’s more due my social clumsiness. Or to the other treating me badly just because they could.

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Searching for friends

I used to be very active on Facebook. But then times changed, I changed and I found the atmosphere on FB changed. I had a Twitter account and made friends there. And then the bird app got a new ruler and the atmosphere was blown to smithereens…

So I was looking for a replacement, preferably one where I could reconnect with old friends and maybe make some new connections as well. At first I found Mastodon. It felt good, it felt nice and I was enjoying myself. But I felt something missing and discovered that many of my old birdie ๐Ÿฆ friends had switched to Hyve.

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Bye bye birdie ๐Ÿฆ

On and off I’ve been using Twitter for years! Different accounts, different reasons, but I always loved it more than Facebook. But there was a lot of nastiness around. Blocking people, blocking hashtags, those did help and I met quite a few kind people over there!

Then Elon took over and started letting the worst people back on the platform. And nope, I didn’t want to wait around for it to be really bad. People said they went to Mastodon/the FediVerse. I was hesitant at first as the way people talked about it, it sounded like I needed to know more about computers than I did. But when I finally got there, it was amazing! A week in and I have three accounts, making new friends and chatting about interests and hobbies. Me, a neurodifferent person who struggels with social bits all the way. People, for now, are so kind on the different servers over there.

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Thursday Quote

Quote

“I am experienced enough to do this. I am knowledgeable enough to do this. I am prepared enough to do this. I am mature enough to do this. I am brave enough to do this.”
โ€”

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortezย inย Knock Down The House

Quote found online, picture and editing by myself and Snapseed.

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Autism blocking my train of thoughts

Wow that’s a big mouth full of a title. But a while ago, I struggled and I hit it hard. It had been a while since I’ve been this lost for the right words and while I’m glad it only happens occasionally, it does happen and I feel like I should write about me. Maybe it’s happening to more people and it would be nice to chat with others who have lived through something like this as well.

My brain is like a super highway. 6 to 12 lines all going one way, fast! The Nรผrburgring has never seen speeds like these… And when I block, when I get triggered in any way, those lanes start to jumble. It gets harder to give a voice to the right track. Or, it’s like a super high speed train. Wagons 1 3 have the thing you want to say, but before your brain catches up with your mouth, you’re talking about wagons 4-6, missing your original point and often making things worse. It sounds messy, doesn’t it? And believe me, it truly is ๐Ÿ˜”…

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Journal – Week 46, November 2022

A new week. A week in which I’m eager to fight my darkest monster. A week where I want to battle with my calories. I feel more confident, but I may still fail as I’ve given my dark monster quite some strength the last few weeks. I want to win. Maybe not this week… But I sure wish to make a start. I’m worth it! ๐Ÿ˜

Colder. Wet at times. Temperatures are in Celcius. ๐Ÿ˜Š
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Getting stronger ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿผ

I may not have a sexy body. I may be obese. I sure eat too much to ever get that lower fat percentage. But I’m showing up at the gym every day. I’m riding my hometrainer every day. I’m getting my steps in every day!

I know it’s wrong to do… But sometimes I wonder what I could look like if I could stay off the sweets. If I were strong enough to get myself into thar desperately needed calories deficit. I know I should have a little muscle built up, as I’m slowly able to use heavier weights. Is there a sexy body hidden be eath the access of body fat??? ๐Ÿ˜‡

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Pain – Real or fibro?

I wrote about this in previous posts. How I had to learn how to recognize pain due to injury and pain from the fibro. They may feel the same but have different outcomes. Fibro pain cannot be really helped, besides a painkiller. Physical pain should not be ignored as it can lead to more injury…

While I am getting better with separating these two, there are times where I still have my doubts. Also, due to my hypermobility, I may experience pains that aren’t common but related to joints not being OK. Like that time last year where I walked around with a dislocated thumb for three days ๐Ÿ˜‚. I experienced it as a minor discomfort with occasional pains…

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Fighting!

When you need to fight something it takes energy. But what if the thing you’re fighting is usurping all your available energy? What if the thing you’re up against is trying to make sure you’re out of defenses? And to make it more difficult, you’re aware of this happening and there’s nothing to do against. You’ll sleep bad, you feel exhausted without too much of anything and all you would like to do is curl up under a warm blanket and just… Exist.

This is what fighting depression is for me. It sucks away the few spoons I have and then it tries to push me in a corner. It tells me I’m weak and it makes sure I’ll feel that way as well. It tells me I’m useless and it takes away all my abilities to do things, to be useful. It’s crippling you and taking away the crutches, making you stumble and fall, having to work hard to get to a position where you can start winning the fight.

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