Don’t cheer too quickly…
While I write this, I’ve had a good week. When I post this, I may have extended that week to two… Or I may have messed it up again… I would like to keep this streak going, as it definitely benefits my health and my mood. But too often I’ve celebrated too early and dug a new hole that I tumbled back into while partying…
It’s a dangerous vicious circle and I’ve been too accustomed to being in it. It even became a part of my unhealthy routine and lifestyle. And I knew I was messing up and some days, I could not care less as it wouldn’t make a difference anyway. But now, I’m trying to change my way of thinking and I’m like “but if I give up too early, I’ll never succeed in the long run”. And it’s easy to think this. To say it even. But acting upon it takes quite a bit of efforts.
I’ve always struggled with food. Never eating too little, almost always eating too much. But before I got my fibro, before my hip got from bad to worse, I was a very active person. Still am, as much as my body allows it. But I burned many calories on a daily base, so I could eat and not really gain weight. And that was good. Plus I’d be working a lot so my chances for eating were less. These days I make my own schedule so I can basically eat whenever I’d like…
But I exercise less. I struggle more with my mental health. And my physical health as well. So overeating became an issue of me getting obese. I got too big in 2016, so I started trying to lose weight. And with the help from my ex, I was able to live more healthy and lose weight again. Until I got too many compliments and my ex started to resent me for that. Then the divorce came and I fell in a black hole. My meds made me eat, my depression made me eat and I definitely didn’t move that much as I slept and cried a lot.
After a while I got my second wind and was able to flick the switch and I started getting healthier again. It went rather well for a while and then something happened and I slowly stared gaining weight again. I hated it. But I couldn’t focus on what I previously did to lose it. It just didn’t work. I felt sad, I felt lonely, I felt hungry. Gyms closed often due to Covid19. I lost my routine and that made me lose my motivation for living healthy. I was a derailed train going down.
So over the course of several months I gained weight. I went to the GP. Had some tests done. I went to a mental health care worker but she could not provide me with anything more than I already knew (and failed to implement). I thought it was hopeless as it seemed impossible fo find any help. I kept exercising more and more, but also eating loads. I found a mental health institution that may be able to help me. And I’ve been trying to be better at not buying candy and snacks. About eating healthier. And for the last week, as I write this, I managed to live more healthy!
My average calories eaten over the last month. One day is low because I “forgot” to enter it in the app as I felt too ashamed of the real amount 😔. So that’s a lot of calories. No wonder I was gaining weight so quickly. Even with all the exercise I had been doing. I knew it wasn’t healthy. I’ve been there before. And if I’m unlucky, I’ll be here again and again. It’s a pattern my food addiction/eating disorder pushes me in. I eat loads. Gain loads. Feel disgust and anger. I promise to do better. I do better for a while. I get better a wee bit. And then something happens and I’m back at eating loads again. There’s always a reason, big or small, that leads me to this. And that’s why I’m seeking help. I know better but somehow I’m not acting better. Or only for a short while.
My calories from the previous week, as I’m writing this. It’s still rather high, but, it’s 500 calories (on average) less on a daily basis. And according to the scale, I’m doing a tad better now. I managed to lose some weight again. And here I go, starting to push for more and better results. While I know that I could keep doing as I’m doing now and that is enough. It’s working. Slowly and steady, in a healthy matter. I’m doing it again. Haven’t the foggiest how long I can keep it up this time. I don’t want to be obese. Heck I don’t want to be overweight. But I am. And then I’m not for a while. And then I slowly get there again.
So I’m not cheering yet. I did manage to lose 3 kilo’s in about 12 days. I am feeling rather ok about it. Some struggles before bed time where I feel like I’m hungry. And then I look at the numbers and try to convince myself that it’s not real. That I ate enough. That I tried to eat healthier. That I tried to exercise enough.
So maybe, by the time this gets shared, I’ve been down the slippery slope again. Maybe I’ve gained those 3 kilo’s already. Maybe I’m still on track… I’ll keep you all updated through my posts. While I’m ashamed to admit that I hate myself being obese, I also hate not being open and honest about it. And this blog site is about me, my life, my interests and also… My wins and losses. And I’m grateful for those that are on this journey with me. Grateful for the likes on my posts. Grateful for the replies. And shares. It’s not easy talking about failures. It’s not easy talking about things that are frowned upon. But here I am. Making things discussable, shoving it out into the open and showing that shame is something we should not let get the better of us. Sometimes being ashamed makes us neglect it, shove it in a darker corner and hide it and when it comes out, it’s stronger than before.
I’m open to talking about my weight battles. About my eating disorder. About my journey. Either here or on my Mastodon profiles. If you know me there, don’t be afraid to shoot out a DM or Toot to talk to me about this. I’m definitely not a professional! But I have some personal experience I’m willing to share and to talk about. 😊
To be continued…
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Please be wise and stay safe! I hope to see you back real soon again, feel free to drop in anytime! Wishing you all the best. With love, Cynni 🌹
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