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Journal – Week 9, February/March 2023

The last week of February, the start of March… Time goes quick and I don’t mind. I’m trying to make the best of every day, even if some days I experience more pain. Or I’m sad because of things not going too well with my dad. I try to distract myself with fun things. I try to workout. I fail in eating less… I am trying to find help, but they need to be covered by my insurance as I can’t afford any help otherwise πŸ˜”. I called last week and they should call back. But I’m grabbing my anxiety and I’ll call again on Monday. Let’s see what this week brings…

They fixed it and I can share this again without too much hassle πŸ˜‰. The weather forecast for our place… I live in Cuijk, Beers is a town nearby that has the weather station they use.
A bitmoji of me with a rainbow above my head with the text "Monday"
Monday

My bed was very comfortable 😊 so when my alarm woke me, I didn’t want to get up. After the first snooze I got out. It was -2Β°C so I grabbed my extra pants to keep my legs warm. I walked and fed my sweetness. Then I headed to the gym. I started with some arm and shoulder exercises. Some were OK, some weren’t due to my elbow (still πŸ˜”). Then I headed to the bike again. I wanted to get some good cardio in after my late night snack yesterday. I went to bed and just couldn’t fall asleep. Then I snacked some and I fell asleep within minutes… So I was hoping to compensate a bit for it… Plus I like the challenge. Although the cold made it a tad harder as my muscles struggled a bit more.

It was cold the day they found you by the river
Broken dreams had turned to ice upon your cheek
It was cold the day I swore
Until my dying breath
I’d be give my life to heal those broken dreams

I’ve waited
Longed for the day
To show you
To take you away

Rise to the queen of the symphony
Watch her step into the light
Surrender your heart to the melody
Let it take flight
She’ll sing to you
The opus of the night

Written by Oliver Palotai, Sasha Paeth, Thomas Youngblood & Tommy Karevik. Β© Napalm Records Handels GmbH

So I started with some weights and then followed with some shoulder and back exercises. It was a tad harder, probably due to the cold weather. I jumped on the bike for my hour and tried to burn 400 calories. Then to the crosstrainer. 30+2 minutes on that one. Then 15 minutes on the treadmill. After that I was ready for some breakfast. So I changed shoes, dressed warm and headed home.

I washed up and enjoyed my food. I had some time left so I rode my bike for 21 minutes and then I got ready for walkies. It was cold but dry. We walked the 3k walk. After that my friend and I visited the pharmacy for me ND then the AH for her. Getting my steps in this morning. When I got back, I grabbed all my strength and called the health care center again as they had failed to call be back on Friday. We chatted a bit and she planned a phone call with someone of the care team with me for Tuesday. They should be able to find out if they can help me (and if it would be covered by Healthcare). They didn’t have an exact calling time, a “between 11 and 12 and it should take about 20 minutes”. So that’s a bit harder on me. But I’m determined to try to get help for my eating issues so I have to do this! πŸ’ͺ🏼

Then I chatted with my Welsh friend. She could use the PS4 today, yay. But doe loading and installing Borderlands 3 took some time. So we played some Minecraft in the mean time. Then her mum came for a visit. So I used that time to prep and eat lunch. I let Arwen out and then I got to my bike. It was definitely time for a good ride. During which my friend came online and we tried the game together. While she was rather good at it, unfortunately the game wasn’t for her πŸ˜”. So we decided to play some Lego The Incredibles instead. It’s really fun to play coop with her and I always have loads of fun. So Tha k you for that! β™₯

Before we knew it, it was 6. We finished the level and then said goodnight. Or Nos da and Noswaith Dda πŸ˜‰. I got ready for bed. I had a good day and that was great.

Positive: being active and enjoying some fun coop gaming. 😊

Game: Minecraft, Borderlands 3 and Lego the Incredibles.

Music: my Journal Blog mix and Heavy Queens by Spotify.

TV: Carnival Row, The Golden Girls, Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone and the Mentalist.

Book: Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.

A bitmoji of me with a rainbow above my head with the text "Tuesday"
Tuesday

Nope. Getting up was hard! I wanted to sleep more. Why did I still feel so tired? I got about 8 hours of sleep so definitely not bad. But again, I felt like I could sleep more. It was -2Β°C so maybe that had some influence as well. I got up and dressed accordingly. I prepared Arwen’s meat and we went out for a pee a d poo. Then I fixed her breakfast and headed to the gym. OK, snack for Arwen first. Don’t want to anger her by forgetting it again πŸ˜‚. I started at the gym with some weights. Then some arm and shoulder exercises and two for my blubber that may be hiding a six pack somewhere πŸ˜‚! Onwards to the bike after that.

You’ve always told me that you know me
But you don’t really know me at all (no)
You just played me and betrayed me
And showed no sympathy at all, no

Why can’t you just please surrender?
Surrender what you promised
Surrender what I need
Why can’t you just see that sweet surrender in me?
One time, surrender to me

Songwriters: Erik Ron / Salvatore Erna
Songteksten voor Surrender Β© BMG Rights Management

I wanted to try and use the crosstrainer and treadmill both for 30+5 minutes this morning. I didn’t know if my body would allow it, but I’d definitely try. I dislike my body a lot at the moment. And change should come from my hard work and dedication. Today the health care center would call about my eating issues. I definitely know I have food issues. But part of me doesn’t want to acknowledge it due to shame. And now I have to both admit it and talk about it to get help for something I’d rather hide. It’s not an easy situation. But I hope I can get help and find a way out of this eating. I’ve beaten it before but now I just can’t. And that’s why I’m looking for help. A little late, also due to the shame and not wanting to acknowledge it… But I struggle. I gain weight even with all my exercises. And I can’t exercise more but I can still eat more. And I can’t seem to stop myself. So I hope this will make a change…

After the bike I managed to get my time in on both the crosstrainer and treadmill. Did a 30+5 on both (the 5 minutes extra being a cooling down on lower levels). Then I had to go home. I let Arwen out for a pee. Had breakfast and then I rode my bike for 1:45. I washed up, got dressed and we got ready for our 3k walkies. It was a bit cold but with some sun so that was nice. After the walk o relaxed a bit and did the dishes. I had my physical therapy in the afternoon. Before that Arwen and I enjoyed the nicer weather and we walked about a mile/1,6 km. Then I got ready to leave for my therapy.

Therapy was good, it always feels so nice to have my muscles untangled again. I wish my insurance would allow me to go weekly πŸ˜” it would be such a benefit to me. But I get 36 treatments a year so my therapist and I make the best of those. I got some tape to put on my shoulder towards my breast. It should help me with some soreness. So we’re trying this out on one side to see if there’s any difference in a while.

On my way back I stopped at the Appie for some groceries. Then onwards to home. Made dinner for Arwen and myself. Then I had some time to ride my bike, so I managed another 70 minutes. 😊 I wanted to clear out the laundry before my friends would visit me tomorrow. So I folded everything and put it to the guestroom. I was too tired to get it all in the right places. Maybe tomorrow.

Then it was time to get ready for bed. Meds, teeth, walkies with Arwen. Unfortunately the downstairs dog was yapping so much, that it took me a while to be able to rest and fall asleep. I don’t mind dogs but I hate living between two that are so loud so much of the time. And when you say something, there’s always excuses, never any action to make them yap less πŸ˜”.

Positive: a very active day! πŸ’ͺ🏼 And it felt good. 😊

Activity February 28th 2023

Gaming: Borderlands 3.

Music: Heavy Queens by Spotify.

TV: The Last of Us, Picard and the Mentalist.

Book: Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.

A bitmoji of me resting on a Camel, no text, but meant for "Hump day", aka Wednesday
Hump day / Wednesday

I got up in time and it was dry, but -2Β°C, so a tad cold. I dressed accordingly and got ready to walk with Arwen. She did her thing and I fixed her breakfast. I wards to the gym. This morning would be a busy one. Gym, walkies, heading to Germany and then friends would come. Also the reason I’m heading to Germany today. So I hope all goes well. I’ll probably won’t have much time to exercise when my friends are there, so I’m making the best of it this morning at the gym.

Don’t paint it black
Do a dark tint pink
Today I’m mad at almost everything

Tryna’ live a laugh, bite my tounge
Bet I can set it off when I’m having fun
Tell me that’s enough when I got it wrong
Well, you can’t please everyone

I’ll never get it right, alright
Not everybody likes that
You push me down and expect me not to fight back
I’d rather run for my life on the wrong track

Songwriters: Nicholas Schneider / Olivia Fay Sebastianelli / Oliver Burden / Cassy Brooking
Songteksten voor Like That Β© Reservoir Media Music

I started with some weight exersices. I tried to challenge myself a bit. Then, of course, to the bike. I was hoping to do the same routine as I did yesterday, so an hour on the bike and then twice half an hour on both crosstrainer and treadmill. It feels good when I manage it. And after it, I am tried but in a very good way. I’d recover while waiting for the walk with Arwen and our friend. And then Germany, here I come. Getting benzin, meat for my friend, some drinks and snacks. I already had everything for dinner. And some snacks as well. Should be good when I get back and don’t forget anything. 😊

So I hit both the crosstrainer and treadmill for 30+5 minutes. I knew I’d not be exercising a lot when my friends were with me, so I had do give it my best this morning. After this I changed shoes, got my extra pants on as it was still freezing and I headed home. I washed up and had brekky. Then we got ready for walkies. A 3k walk again. My friend picked up the card for the gym and I got ready to leave for Germany. During the drive, I had my bestie on the phone until the woods disconnected us. But we got in touch after that and I’d call again on the way back. I got 15 liters of gasoline and headed to the store for the meat and snacks. I forgot one thing, but I can bring that tomorrow when I go with mum. 😊 I was heading home earlier than I had expected. Which was a good thing, as it left me some time to clean a little before my friends would come.

I texted them I was on my way home. They replied that they were on their way to my home as well. Yay! I swept the floors, had the heating on for a while, and then I watched some Golden Girls till the doorbell rang. We had a good time. My friend tried out several games on the PS plus premium package while my other friend just browsed her Facebook. I was enjoying all the games my friend tried as most of never try to play myself. Some were very silly. But also fun. After a while we walked an almost 3k walk with Arwen. The weather was lovely for it. Then some more gaming for my friend πŸ˜‚. When we all started yawning a lot, I decided we needed food! And during dinner we watched a movie, the equal to 300. I missed bits as I was making the food. But there definitely was some nice eye candy in that movie πŸ˜‚.

After dinner we finished the movie. Then my friends got ready to head home while I would walk Arwen and head to bed. Even though I had been a little less active, I still was tired. Then, it was past my usual bed time. 😊

Positive: getting the meat for my friend and having a good time with them.

Game: I watched a lot! Don’t know all the titles anymore, it was mostly racing games πŸ˜‚.

TV: Dexter, the Golden Girls and 300: Rise of an Empire.

Music: This is Rammstein & This is Nightwish on Spotify.

Book: Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.

A bitmoji of me with a rainbow above my head with the text "Thursday"
Thursday

I had gone to bed later and my earlier alarm was on as if go to Nijmegen today to help mum with the German groceries. So it was a rather short night, making it even harder to get up. It was 0Β°C and dry, so I got ready for walkies with Arwen. I fixed her brekky, put out the snack and then headed to the gym. I started with some arm exercises. After a while I went to the bike. I chatted a bit with my Texan friend and posted some on Mastodon. Then it was time to head to the crosstrainer.

I’m angry
Wanna kick holes in the walls of this mess
I’m angry
That I feel so goddamn powerless
I’m angry
As the bodies drop and pile-up
Damzel, distress
I’m angry

Go on and wave your pitchforks in the air
Just like you just don’t care
Coz you don’t care
You only hate
Just wanna instigate
A fucking police state
Heads are rolling
“Off with your head!”

Songwriters: Craig Wilkinson / Emmy Mack / Stevie Knight
Songteksten voor Off With Your Head Β© DistroKid

I wanted to hit the treadmill after the crosstrainer again. I didn’t know if I could as I felt the cold in my body. Maybe I should have worn extra pants this morning πŸ€”. But the bike ride got them a bit warmed up so I have it my best shot. I managed both for 30+5 minutes! Yeah πŸ’ͺ🏼. I was spent all the way but I felt good. I even tried walking on an higher incline for a longer time, but with a less high speed. I’m not that good yet πŸ˜‚.

Treadmill 2/3/23

So I walked a little less than I usually do, but I did walk at a decent incline. The drops in speed is when I held the bar while toweling myself off. I’m definitely not secure enough to walk without holding myself at these inclines. Treadmills still scare me as I know how much they can injure you if you stumble and fall πŸ˜”.

After the walk I went to change my shoes and get ready to head home. I washed up and had my brekky. Then Arwen and I headed out. I told Arwen to pee while I was cleaning the ice of my car. Then I texted my mum and we were on our way to them. Mum was almost ready so we quickly headed to Kleve for groceries and benzine. After Germany, mum asked if I could help her and dad to get some outdoors flowerpots from a store that had some on sale. So I drove to the store and we got them. Then some Dutch groceries before we headed to my parents home. Mum helped me with my feet again. She scraped off loads of calluses of my feet and it felt so nice when she was done. Then Arwen and I headed home.

I had texted our friend that we’d be a bit later due to the unexpected trip for my parents to that store. So she knew we’d be a tad late. I texted again before we drove off to out home. I got the groceries in place and Arwen was ready for walkies. Our friend could join, so together we walked the 3k walk. I was very hungry, as I usually ate around 12 and now it was past 13… Normally I always feel hungry but now it was even worse. So I asked Arwen if she could walk on to lunch… But Arwen was a tad tired and took her time. It’s OK, she’s getting older… But I really wanted some food. πŸ˜‚

So when we finally got home I fixed food for myself. When I had finished it was near Arwen’s dinner time, so I made her a meal as well. I was very tired but still… I got to my bike and rode 90 minutes on low setting. When I was done, my Welsh friend came online to play some Minecraft. So I logged in too. And we explored the Nether and of course I died again πŸ˜‚. I just got to level 35, so I guess I’m not meant to have a high level. I did get a trophy like a second before I died, so that was cool. I did something I didn’t know I could and it popped the πŸ† trophy.

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Then it was time for me to head to bed. I got ready and did my things needed to prep for bed. I was tired enough for a good night, I hoped…

Positive: helping my parents and trying to be active as well.

Game: Minecraft.

TV: Dexter, the Golden Girls and Bones.

Music: This is Nightwish on Spotify and my Blog Journal Mix on Spotify.

Book: Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.

A bitmoji of me with a rainbow above my head with the text "Friday"
Friday

I didn’t wake once during the night. It even to pee… So when my alarm woke me, I thought it must be a mistake as it was my first time waking since going to bed πŸ˜‚. I’m so used to going to bed and waking at least once after a few hours… That I’m all “off” for a while when my alarm wakes me first. I checked the weather, 0Β°C and dry. So I dressed and got ready to take care of my sweetness. She did her things and then I made her brekky. Put out the snack and I headed to the gym. I started with some arm and shoulder exercises. Then it was time for the bike. I was chatting with my friend in Texas when I got a message from my friend in Wales. I certainly didn’t expect that! I chatted with her a bit as well and then I think she finally dozed off. Which is good.

Well, I heard
You went out and had a good time boy
And you found a little fun
And I heard
She looked fine but the timing was wrong
And she wasn’t the one

I was at the wrong time in the wrong place, and
I had to hear a second hand
Why can’t you tell me to my face?

Don’t talk to me
Tell me how you feel

Songwriters: Robert Raymond Heatlie / Katie Victoria Tunstall
Songteksten voor Talk to Me Β© Jacobs Ladder Music Ltd

After the bike I wanted to head to the crosstrainer and treadmill again. But I also felt tired while riding the bike so I didn’t know if I could manage this time. The cold was affecting my muscles a bit and they felt stiff and sore, unfortunately. In the end I pushed through and made it. I was on the crosstrainer for 33 minutes and on the treadmill for 40. Then I definitely needed a shower and some food. So I changed my shoes and I headed home.

After washing and food, I had some time till my friend would be ready. So I put the bike on a low setting and I rode for 25 minutes. Then we got ready for walkies. It was dry but still cold so good and bad for my body. We walked the 3k walk. After which I got to my bike and rode for 2 hours while watching Bones again. Then it was time for a short round with Arwen and I made my lunch. After that, my friend was ready to go online with Minecraft. We spend several hours mining and chatting. In between I let Arwen out for a pee and I made her dinner. After which I rode my bike for a while, but I was kinda tired so I only managed 75 minutes. Then I charged my watch while still mining in Minecraft. Before I knew it, my watch was charged and it was time to get ready for bed.

Positive: being active even with the cold. And having a good time with my friends.

Game: Minecraft.

TV: Dexter and Bones.

Music: This is Nightwish on Spotify.

Book: Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.

A bitmoji of me with a rainbow above my head with the text "Saturday"
Saturday

My bed was nice and comfortable. Still my alarm ⏰ went off and told me I had to get up. I really didn’t want to. But after a snooze I finally got out. It was 5Β°C and dry so that was good. I got dressed, prepped Arwen’s meal and we went for short walkies. Then I fixed her brekky and her snack before I headed to the gym. I started with some arm exercises. I felt tired. Not too much motivation. I tried to do several exercises. But I was distracted a lot by my phone. I thought about heading home a few times. Just riding the bike there. But I wanted to keep my streak of the crosstrainer and treadmill, as they help me feel better afterwards. But I just wasn’t into it and it bummed me out. I’m usually very enthusiastic, every morning, when I get to the gym. Not today. It sucked. While I was riding the bike I was still debating myself. Maybe I should listen to my body and just go home and ride my bike there. If that’s what would be needed to recharge a little. And I’d get back to the crosstrainer and treadmill tomorrow. It’s not like this was my last time at the gym πŸ˜‚. So yeah, big debate in my brain and the gym wasn’t winning this morning as it usually is…

Emotion of darkness from a previous time
A lifetime of suffering makes it
Hard to stand in line
From the gap of confusion
A different thought has come to life
To find out the purpose and
To raise the banner high

Far out, through the fog of reality
A hidden flame will rise again

We bring you the stars
We bring you the light
We’ll take you for a never ending ride
We’ll show you a place you’ve never seen

Songwriters: Edwin Premberg / Erica Maria Olsson
Songteksten voor We Bring You the Stars Β© The Royalty Network Inc.

So after the bike ride I did head home. My brain just wasn’t into it and it made me feel miserable. I was hoping that riding at home would help me feel better soon again as I didn’t like the down feelings I was experiencing at the gym. I got some breakfast and then I rode my bike for an hour. It did help me a tad, so that was a plus. Then Arwen and I got ready for walkies with our friends. We walked the 6k round with a pit stop at the Jumbo for some groceries for me. 😊

When we got home, I relaxed a little. My washing machine did its weekly job and I hang it out to dry. While the machine was working, I got in 45 minutes on the bike. Then I made myself some lunch. I let Arwen out for a pee and after that, I was so tired! I closed the drapes, got my pillow and blanket and with season 1 of Bones I slept a little on and off again. When I woke I felt better but also very hungry. So unfortunately I over ate again πŸ˜”. I made Arwen dinner and then I got on my bike again. Trying to make up some of the good πŸ˜”. I was doing rather well but I was feeling like I had skipped lunch.

The last hour before bed time I spend in Minecraft with my friend. We were mining and chatting to end my day. It was very nice. Then it was time for my routine to get ready for bed. Even though I slept like 90 minutes in the afternoon, I still felt rather tired so I was hoping for a good night. I took my meds, brushed my teeth and I had prepared my gym bag for the next morning. Walkies with Arwen, saying good night to my friend and grabbing my eReader to read until I fell asleep.

Positive: giving in to the needs of my brain and body. Listening this time instead of pushing on, feeling worse because of it.

Gaming: Minecraft.

Music: This is Smash Into Pieces on Spotify.

TV: Dexter and Bones.

Book: Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.

A bitmoji of me and a dog, both wearing sunglasses, with the text "Happy Sundog"
Happy Sundog / Sunday

I had a decent night but still felt tired when my alarm went off. Even with that extra sleep time in the afternoon, I still had not recharged all the way. Today I’d be gaming with someone I met on Mastodon, we were planning on playing some Borderlands 3 together. He would even get up early to play with me. So kind! 😊 But that’s in the afternoon. First, taking care of my sweetness and then heading to the gym. I did a few arm and leg exercises. I tried to push myself to give it all I could. Which was hard. I still didn’t feel all in the zone, but I tried to keep to my routine and I hoped I’d feel better during the workouts. But I’d always been a cardio gall (so me skipping cardio yesterday was a clear sign of things not going too well πŸ˜”). I headed to the bike and started my hour ride. I’d been chatting with my friend in Texas. It is always nice to chat a bit between exercises. 😊

I used to wish and wonder everyday
Close my eyes and see where it would take me
I’d get lost my dreams when I was a girl, was a child

Restless heart and mind still open wide
Running careless under clear and blue skies
Even then I did know that one day I would

Walk away from the ones who’d enslave me
Every pain, every soul who would stain me
Leave behind little town where I once swore
I will never die here

Written by Jani Liimatainen Β© Frontiers Records s.r.l.

I was aiming at doing at least the crosstrainer after the bike. Maybe I could squeeze some treadmill time on as well. I want so much but I have a malfunctioning body at times that can’t always accommodate the things my brain wants me to do and achieve. It’s hard because I am my own worst critic and I can be quite hard on myself. Not because I deserve it. But maybe, some days, I need it? I need to stand my ground to achieve my goals. But the overly important thing is to remember that I need to respect my own boundaries. And they’re not always the same, due to the Fibro. So some days I can hit the gym like a queen and some days I just hide and quietly slip away to head home.

Unfortunately after 15 minutes on the crosstrainer I just felt exhausted. So I quit and got ready to head home. I was disappointed in myself, but also proud that I listened to my body. I’d eat a bit at home and try my bike for a while instead. So I did that, I had brekky and then rode my bike for 30 minutes. Then I got ready for walkies with Arwen and our friends. It was cold weather but dry. Unfortunately too cold for Arwen to swim, but I think she enjoyed the walk nevertheless, as we walked the 6k one. 😊

After the walk I rested a bit and then I got to my bike. I rode for 90 minutes. Then I made my lunch and I walked with Arwen for about 1,65k (about a mile). Then I made Arwen an earlier dinner as I had a game date with someone in Vegas. Cool! He was offering to help me with Borderlands 3. I know him from Mastodon and he seems very nice. But if course I feel anxious as I’ll be talking with someone I don’t know yet.

I tried a few of the games my friend played on Wednesday. But they didn’t really click for me, so I took them off my home page. Then I tried a little Borderlands 3 on my own. I managed to kill some but I also kept being killed. So after a while I thought it best to just wait for my friend. We connected on WhatsApp for chat and he made a group. I started the game and he told me so much about it! He’s played it a lot and knows a lot. So I had a great time and I managed to get some good loot and level as well. His character was really strong and I tried to help and managed several kills as well. A big plus, he didn’t let me die! Cool! After almost 4 hours it was time for me to get ready for bed. I thanked my friend and he offered again for next week. Awesome! πŸ‘ŒπŸ»

I had not done a lesson in Duolingo and while I didn’t want to lose my streak, I was just too tired to do it right. So I got ready for bed without practice. Arwen and I had our walk and it was chilly outside. My bed was warm and when I got warm as well, I quickly fell asleep.

Positive: keeping calories low (for me), getting some exercises and having fun online with my friend!

Game: Borderlands 3.

Music: some Smash Into Pieces on Spotify and a little of my Journal Blog mix.

TV: Dexter and Bones.

Book: Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.

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Thank you for your interest in my blog. I really appreciate your visit. If you like my posts and you want to share them on your social media, please, feel free to do so! I’d be honored. If you don’t want to miss a thing, press the follow button (you’ll need to be a signed in WP user) or scroll down and leave your email below this post. If you are a WP user and you would like me to know you liked my post, press the star/like button please. Thanks ever so much! Of course comments are welcome as well, but spam won’t get shared, so don’t bother…

Please be wise and stay safe! I hope to see you back real soon again, feel free to drop in anytime! Wishing you all the best. With love, Cynni 🌹

Some selfies in Greifenstein


I am living on a disability income and don’t generate an income with my blog. If you would like to support me and my work, I’d greatly appreciate it. Every bit helps me tremendously. For more information and a donation link, please check out http://www.ko-fi.com/PlaystationPixy

If you prefer to use PayPal, that’s also a possibility: http://PayPal.me/SuperCynni

Thanks ever so much β™₯

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