You all may remember how happy I was when I finally lost all that weight. When my BMI was healthy and good. Yeah that was in 2021. Over the year of 2022 I’ve been slowly gaining weight again. It’s not as bad as I was in September 2019, but I’m almost obese again. I was at 72 kilo’s on 2021 and now I’m back at 86… Almost 87. And I know it’s just numbers, but I notice I struggle more with my chores.
I keep hitting the gym. I keep getting stronger bit by bit. My physical therapist says I’m making a nice progress and he’s very proud of me for keeping it up, even when I’m feeling down. Because I believe that’s one of the reasons I gained so much weight again. While we had almost no restrictions on 2022, while I went on an awesome vacation that year, I still didn’t feel all that well. And I still don’t… 😔
I feel low on energy. My brain has been used to my adhd attitude, having energy all day round. But since I got my Fibromyalgia in 2013/2014, I’ve been struggling with energy. And on bad energy days, my brain goes into a form of survival mode, needing energy to stay active. Meaning it calls out for food, for sugars, to give it that kick it desires so much. I may be addicted to food as well, some sorts at least… I love their smells, the way it feels in my mouth, the tastes… It’s so hard to resist.
Especially since my body and mind react very strongly when I’m low on energy. My stomach rumbles, loudly and sometimes painfully, even if I know for sure I had enough food. I get bad headaches. My muscles spasm more and get very painful. Then I give in and… Within a while I start to feel better again. It sounds like addiceand withdrawal, am I right? So I’ve been doing badly for a year now. And I want to change again. I need it to change again. So I’m trying to do more things that make me happy, hoping it will release a natural dopamine making me feel better and have more energy.
I’ve been wondering for a while what I could do to reach that feeling. To reach that state where my mind is content with less sugars and food. Where I can tell my brain I had enough to eat and it will believe me. I sue an app to track my food so I see I have plenty of calories. I also try to get protein and fibres and all that. I struggle with vegetables and fruit. But I try to eat it at least several times a week. Some weeks I fail desperately… 😔
So change. Less calories. Less sugars. More control. Change of mind set. I have the motivation but I lack the strength, the determination to pull this through. I can do it for a few hours, sometimes even a day, and then those hunger feelings get the best of me again. My adhd craves the sugars and I need to ween off them. I am fairly active so I do need some more calories to replenish my strength. But definitely not the numbers I’ve been getting…
And I definitely need to let my mum know that I love her. But when I don’t buy snacks because I need to lose weight again, and I told her that, she assumes I don’t have the money and buys snacks for me. And I love her reasoning, but I’ll munch it all as fast as I can because ow, extra treats! And if I’ll eat it now, I can’t eat it tomorrow (remember? 😂 Makes no sense!).
Addicted to food, to sugars, to the tastes and feeling of nice things in my mouth. I want to look better again but it feels I’m not able to put it the work needed for that… 😔
Let’s fight my darkness! Damn that cold weather. Damned be the extra pain I experience. I’ll just need to take an extra painkiller and fight this. Not let it overcome me so easily. I don’t like taking meds bit without them, the pain and darkness are ruling my world. And that’s something I need to push away.
So many good words. Many good intentions. But can I put my actions to where my words are? Time will tell. I’ll keep being honest here, with you, with myself, and try to do better. 😊 No, not try, but just do it! 💪🏼
To be continued…
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