…being too soft
For me it’s often one of the two extremities. I either punish myself so hard it may scare some people… Or I’m so incredibly forgiving that I feel I’m not myself. Because I usually am hard on myself. Years of hearing “I’m not fast/smart/handy/good enough” by many, I have started to believe this. And it made me incredibly hard on myself, where I always want to push myself to prove those people wrong. Of course I often failed due to the very high pressure, making their point time and again…
I’ve been trying to work on that. I’ve written about these struggles before. And I feel I’ve become a bit more mellow with myself. But there are still times where my “old instincts” take over and where I, again, visit the extremely hard punishments over myself. But I’m recognizing when this happens and I’m trying to learn how to counter it. Slowly it goes…
A very good example is me setting my goals for the gym and then feeling very motivated when I do so. But when it comes to executing them, I slack a lot. I almost always think that “a little is better than none” instead of getting all the reps or using a higher weight… It’s where I’m too kind on my efforts and in the end, I’m damaging my chances of success because I don’t pull through all the way.
When this happens and I don’t see the expected results, I can get quite angry with myself for allowing this to happen. Of course I make new plans, am motivated again until I’m back at the gym and I’ve had a bad night or my fibro is acting up. There’s always a very valid reason for not owning up to my plans to reaching my goals… 🤦🏼
Although I’m slowly getting better with this, as in pushing myself for that extra rep or weight, I still am too soft at times. And of course soft me is right. My efforts will be rewarded in the end, it may just take me longer. But my adhd brain needs to see quick results in order to stay “on it” and not get distracted by so many other things I could be doing instead… So while part of me just wants a “relaxing” workout, another bit wants to explore the limits and push it hard. And I’m often leaning towards the relaxing bit, which of course doesn’t give me the results my other half wants.
I sometimes really wonder how these bits of me can be so conflicting. You’d think that if you want something, all of you would want that and work towards that goal. It feels like there are a devil and angel on my shoulders, like in those cartoons, whispering my do’s and don’ts in my head.
I am strong, I know that. I’ve survived many things and they say I came out stronger. I’m not totally agreeing on that point. Yes, I got strong but not motivated by the right reasons. Not working towards getting stronger in a healthy way. I was pushed into a survival mode and those aren’t the best situations for learning new things. You quickly try to adapt to get through whatever it is you need to get through. You maybe even do things you’d never wanted, just because you feel it’s the only thing that will help at that time. So yeah, I’d rather get stronger in a safe environment, where I feel at rest and where I can fail without the consequences being able to crush me…
If this makes any sense… It does to me but it feels a bit weird, perhaps, to understand?
Learning to love myself. Learning to get physically stronger. Which, I believe, also supports my ability to grow a bit stronger mentally. I am enough. I am OK. I can get better. Progress not perfection! The progress is what counts. I’ll probably never get to perfection (in my eyes) and that’s OK. I’ve needed to learn this, and I did so the hard way!
I’ve been very hard on myself for not making it perfect. Even though it was good enough, even though everyone said it was good, I still felt like a failure as it had not been as perfect (again in my eyes) as I had wanted it to be. So I need to be softer on myself. To appreciate the progress, to acknowledge it and to motivate myself for some more progress. I can do this!
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