Dealing with setbacks

I’ve never been able to handle them well. They often resulted in meltdowns. Or in big depression periods because I could not deal with it. I’ve never been one to “let it go” or “let it slide” and I always needed to solve anything and everything. I needed to know what and why it went wrong, as I wanted to process it. I needed to learn from it. Understand it better. So I could prevent it from happening again. So I knew what I may have done wrong and why. I overthink just about anything, so of course this was also something I could dwell on for way longer than was ever good for me…

I’ve been learning. About myself. About the world. About dealing with things differently. I wanted to feel better, do better and yes, also understand things better. I’ve never been great at learning things in school, their methods weren’t really made for me and my brain. But if I’m really interested in something, it’s easier for me to learn. I’ll read about it, chat about it, read some more, maybe even try what I read (if possible). And I think I can honestly say, I’ve made some big improvements. And I’ll try to share with you the steps I’ve taken. My ADHD brain may juggle a bit with the facts, but I’ll do my best to tell it correctly 😉.

#Goals

I always set myself the biggest possible goals. I always wanted to go from A to the Best and there were no middle stops, no small steps, I only saw the biggest picture. I wanted it all, and (like Queen sang), I wanted it now!

I pushed myself. I decided to hit start and just go for it! Sometimes I wasn’t prepared at all. I just got this idea and it needed to be perused as quickly as possible. ADHD anyone? 😉 But, big plans without any planning hardly ever work out, do they? So yes, I set myself up for loads of failures. Again and again I’d prove to myself I wasn’t worth anything, I couldn’t do anything, I never managed to reach any goals… It’s what people had been telling me for large amounts of my life and I had believed them and lived up to it all the way. It took me about 38 years and a nasty divorce to see I wasn’t that person at all!

I want the big baddie. I wasn’t a failure. I could achieve goals. But, I needed it done differently. But how?

I started reading up on this. Google was my friend. People I talk to helped me as well. I started seeing that my bigger picture was made of loads of tiny ones, which I never acknowledged. I needed to magnify these, to see the smaller pictures separately. And those smaller images would become steps in my journey. Small steps. One at a time. Not trying to be quick and step over a few. Nope. Taking my time, one at a time. No more rushing, no more not being prepared.

Small Steps

By making the one big goal into many smaller ones, I could track my progress better. I can prepare better and also: celebrate the smaller victories. It may sound petty, the need to celebrate completing small steps. But it doesn’t need to be a big party every time 😂. More like giving myself a little knick-knack, or getting my favorite food. And when I’ve finished a small step, I can prepare for the next.

This is something I’m working on at the moment, I’ll share a post about that soon. But I’ve hit a plateau with my weight and food intake and I’m struggling a lot now. But I’m following these steps, yes even learning to deal with things like this I’ve broken down into smaller steps and it’s working. I’m struggling but less angry, less stressed, I feel better than I would have in the past. And that’s a small victory on itself. 😊

So smaller steps means less chance of big setbacks. Means less stress. Less anger. More time to plan and take it at a decent speed instead of pushing too hard, rushing and making silly mistakes.

I think this is the most important part, to be honest. Smaller steps, less risks, more chance of success meaning less chance of setbacks.

I always got real angry at myself and sometimes at the world if I didn’t succeed. I had been branded a loser by many and I lived up to it by allowing myself to fail. I had the best intentions every time I started a big project. I wanted to show everyone how terrific I could be. How brave for starting something this big. How successful if I would become if I could see this through. I never saw the flaw in this reasoning. I never doubted why I would fail again and again. It was simply because I was a loser, designated to fail again and again…

And yes, I still fail at things. I plan things wrong. I prepare wrong or procrastinate and it goes wrong because of that. Do I get angry with myself? Sometimes I do, especially if I had not prepared when I knew I should have done so. Then it’s really my stupid fault. But if I prepared well, if I did all I could and I failed… I now take a step back and analyze my situation. See what went wrong, find out how I can do better, do I need help in any way… And see that I try again in a different way. Maybe with help. It’s OK to ask for help when a step, however small, may be a tad to big to take alone.

Big Steps

So if a step is as small as you’re able to make it, and you feel it’s still to big, don’t start it right away. Analyze it. Check to see if you may have better success if you ask for a hand. Or an extra pair of feet to jump higher 😉. Just kidding, in a way. But don’t be afraid to admit you’re not sure if you can make it on your own and reach out to someone that you trust to help you make that step a big success. Maybe, after it’s done, you can go on your own strength again. And while it may be scary and feeling fragile to ask for help, if someone truly supports you, it will only make you stronger. It can also do wonders for the build of your friendship… It could very much be a win-win situation all around. You “just” need to overcome that shame or fear and dare to reach out.

I think these are the two most important steps that I’ve taken and that have helped me. Make smaller steps and if one seems too big still, don’t be afraid to reach out and ask for help. 😊

I hope this may help you in any way… If you’d like to chat about this topid, please use the comment section. Looking forward to chatting about this!

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Please be wise and stay safe! I hope to see you back real soon again, feel free to drop in anytime! Wishing you all the best. With love, Cynni 🌹

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