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Autism – Loneliness & Friends

I have a few friends. I had more but they weren’t all real friends as they believed bad lies about me that my ex happily told them when she tried to hurt me during the divorce. If people just accept something about you without checking, I don’t need those people in my life… Still I was very hurt as I had invested in them and they dropped me like a cow let’s drop some dung…

So I tried my best to keep the few friends that I still had. But I’m so bad in keeping in touch. I always feel my texts to them bother them. Like I’m intruding their busy lives. I know they would not mind hearing from me. I know they’d reply when they can. But it’s just so hard for me to reach out. If they text me, I find replying so much easier, because I feel the expect my answers then. If this makes any sense…

Sometimes I do reach out and it takes my friends a while to reply. This always makes me worry. Do they not feel like answering? Did I bother them? Did I text at a wrong time? Should I send an apology or would that seem more intrusive? So many worries just over an unanswered text…

I’m also up early and going to bed earlier than most. So it’s often that I’m asleep when I receive texts. And I need to remember myself not to answer immediately as I get up, as that’s way too early to be texting anyone… But then I sometimes forget to reply until way later as the text has been read… I try to remember that I should reply when it’s a reasonable hour. But often I’m busy then with chores, walking Arwen, doing groceries… And my ADHD brain will just *think* that I have answered and then, when I may receive another text, I see the ones I should have replied to earlier that day!

It’s not that I don’t care. Maybe I care too much! I feel I can be a bother. Like I disturb their busy lives as I have a “lazy one”, where I have no job to go to, where I can be around most of the time. And I worry that I will be disturbing others. Even if I know that people would not mind me texting. Even if I know they would be happy to read from me… I often have this internal struggle where I doubt myself if I should send a text.

Even with my oldest best friend, who I’ve known for ⅔ of my life… Even with her I struggle calling her. I often text and ask if I may call, while she just calls me when she wants to chat. And I know she would not mind me doing the same. I know she knows I try to take in account her job and when she is and isn’t available. But yes, I always text before calling, just to be sure. And yes! She is one if the people I trust enough that I can call with without anxiety!

I would never want many friends. But it would be nice to have a few, to keep a few, to have some people that know me and that appreciate me for who I am. I have a select group and I really love them for being there for me. They know about my diagnosis, about my quirks and struggles. They often reach out when I struggle connecting with them… And I’m so grateful for that. 😊

I never thought I could be happy on my own. I always felt I needed someone at my side, to complete me, to help me, to hold me… I had never been on my own till I got ditched by the ex wife. I went to live with my first serious boyfriend out of my parents home. We lived together, then we were a threesome for almost 6 years, then I went on with my girlfriend (as my ex boyfriend was cheating with someone new, so yeah, I didn’t need that)… That girlfriend became my wife for a short 4 years… And then it was just me. And I drove myself insane!

Without Arwen I’m sure I would have done another OD attempt. The bad thing is… My ex wife told me exactly what I had done wrong to survive my first attempt! She told me that if I didn’t want to be a failure, how I should do it instead!!! I was so depressed and devastated and she was telling me how to be more successful in killing myself! I never told anyone this, this is the first time I am open about this… And it feels like a relief, to be honest… Weird, I guess. But who would hate someone so much to not only kick them out of their home and have a flash divorce but then also tell them how to be successful in taking an OD………..

I was strong enough to not do it again. I didn’t want to do that to Arwen. She depended on me, she needed me to take care of her. But it took me such a long time to overcome. And while I was isolating myself out of grief and shame, my ex was telling all sorts of nasty things to our mutual friends. And one by one, they started to drift away from me. Never checking to see what my side was. Never doubting what they were being told. Just trusting someone. Someone that wanted her ex to be successful in taking a second OD… 🤔 If she could me so mean, who would believe anything without a doubt? But I was isolating myself. I was in such a big grieving, shameful state. While I longed for a friend, I didn’t want anyone to see me in the state I was in. If that makes any sense.

So if you see me as a friend. Thank you!

If you support me when I struggle. Thank you!

If you text me when I’m quiet… Thank you!

It really means a lot to me. Probably more than my words could ever express. Probably more than I could ever repay. So I do hope that writing about it will show some friends how grateful I am for them. For believing in me. For accepting me, weirdness and all that. It means so much, knowing I’m not all alone in this big scary world. Even if some days I still can feel lonely. If I long for a companion, for a lover, for a hug… 🤗

Thank you for being a friend!

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Please be wise and stay safe! I hope to see you back real soon again, feel free to drop in anytime! Wishing you all the best. With love, Cynni 🌹

Some selfies in Greifenstein


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6 thoughts on “Autism – Loneliness & Friends

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  1. People will not go out and come and knock at your door, if you would like to have more ‘real’ friends in your real word, not in your virtual space, then go out and meet them doing things that you like doing as well. Join a Meetup group, they are everywhere. http://www.meetup.com I run a group for women over 50 for a while, it was so much fun.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks. 😊 I know I need to out myself out there if I want to reach more real people. But I’m also afraid that if I do make new friends, I won’t be able to keep up “my end of the friendship”, making them dislike me more than they did before… I know this is a destructive way of thinking. And I’m trying to change it. I’ve reached out to a neighbor with similar interests, trying to bond with him and see how that goes. So far it’s been nice to have someone new to chat with. Scary but nice.
      And I’ve been looking into a we side where you can meet people for walking buddies as I’d love to walk more but am always afraid to go far on my own. So I’m hoping to find a walking buddy through that site. 😊 Trying to out myself out there, little by little.
      Thank you for the reply and read. I really appreciate it. I’ll check to see if meetup is also available in my country/area as I had never heard of it.

      Like

  2. I, too, sleep early and rise early, leaving me in the same texting predicament you describe! I have a dear friend, too, whom I text half as often as I’d like. Fear of sending her anything less than I feel she deserves keeps me from sending anything at all, a fact I only noticed yesterday given its similarities to how I approach car washes. (“Oh, shoot, I’m letting perfect be the opposite of good, aren’t I?! D’oh!”)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It can be so hard to want to reach out but fear that it won’t be good enough. While somewhere our brain knows our friends will just be happy to hear from us…
      And I totally get that, perfect being the opposite for good. We don’t want anything bad so much that our good enough quickly feels like it’s not enough at all. At least that’s how I experience it.
      Thanks for the read and reply! 😊

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m the exact same way with texting. I’ll want to text someone, but then I’ll feel like I’m bothering them, so I wait for them to text me, and then I forget to respond 🤦🏻‍♀️
    It’s tough out there, let me tell ya. 😅
    It is hard being lonely, but I can assure you, people probably want to hear from you more than you give yourself credit for.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m in a way glad it’s not “just me”, but also sad that others go through this as well, as it’s a horrible feeling. I know that I won’t really bother my friends but I fear I will always reach out in a bad time for them.
      I want to reach out more and I guess I need to put my actions towards that goal. 😊
      Thanks for the read and reply! It means a lot. 🌻

      Like

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