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Being autistic

I wrote about this many times. I wrote how others can get angry when you write anything but “I’m autistic”, like living with autism, being on the spectrum. I never thought those words being wrong as to me they mean just the same. That I’m neurodivergent and that I live with myself seeing and experiencing the world in a different way from the gross of people thar are neurotypical.

If you get peeved with people saying they sometimes suffer from their autism, please just stop reading. While I do believe my autism is a positive thing, as it shapes me to be the special person I’d like to think that I am, I do believe I’ve suffered because of it as well. So I’ll write about that. It may trigger some people, so here’s the warning. 😊

I do believe some other people in my family have autistic treats. One uncle has ASS with a diagnosis. But I see many ass associated treats in my dad and his sister. And they both deny having it and then act like they are better than that… Which can hurt me as I am proud of it, as it makes me more unique… They feel like being on the spectrum would make them less than what they are now and that’s such a painful thing to say. As I feel it implies that they see mee as less than a “normal” person… 😔

But I do think it can be genetic, as the more I learn about my own ASS the more I recognize in things my dad does. His inability to adapt to others needs, his holding on to certain things that may have been OK in the past, and the list goes on. I really believe that it’s nothing to be ashamed about, being on the spectrum. Yes, it surely can give some struggles at time. It can even cause fights when you are misunderstood and things go out of hand quickly.

Not knowing the right things to say got me in trouble many times. I was too honest for my own good, but also way too direct. I didn’t sugarcoat anything and I still am incapable of coating anything now as I do believe it has no purpose. Bad news will remain bad in the end, no matter how much honey you serve with it. It never gets better, easier or more smooth… At least, that’s my opinion on this.

Not understanding things as others explain them made me feel like I was stupid. It seemed so perfectly clear to them, then why couldn’t I grasp it and make it understood for myself. Why did I struggle so much? And when I did understand but in a different way, people never seemed to understand my explanation, making them say I did it wrong and making me doubt again. Because in the end, their answer/result surely looked a lot like mine 🤔…

Not being “normal” had gotten me a lot of pain, physical and mental. I got beaten and bullied to very extreme extends. Even teachers joined in to gain popularity with the bullies. I have skipped school a whole lot because I just didn’t want to be the victim for one day… Two days… Any days! But my reactions were different and that made it so much more fun to bully me. I have been told I needed to be strong. And then to never pick a fight. So why did they want me to be strong if I wasn’t able to use that strength? I didn’t get it…

I got told I would be a better person for coming through all of this. Why? How? I just failed to understand why people were actually trying to tell me that bullying would improve me in the end… Instead of punishing the bullies, I just had to endure it all, again and again. And I’d be stronger in the end. Well, even my autistic mind thought “f*ck that!” quite a lot, as I was seriously thinking of ending my life. Being different, all the bullying, not feeling supported (at school, my parents truly tried), it was pushing me towards the edge of the world. And I was getting ready to take that leap.

So yeah I do believe my autism caused me some pain and suffering. Plus my teachers never thought my way of getting to the right answer was the right one, as it wasn’t in they textbooks… I was told off again and again, making me feel like I was so stupid when actually I knew I was rather smart. I just was incapable of seeing and doing things their ways.

I wrote about this before. I can’t stress out enough that doing things in a different way doesn’t mean it’s bad! So many people are accustomed to doing things one way that they’re not open to seeing how it can also be done in a different way. If the outcome is right, the reasoning may be right as well. If you’re a parent, carer, teacher for someone on the spectrum, please mind the results more than the reasoning! Our brains have different ideas and logics, making our ways harder for others but ideal for us. Of we answer the right answers, try to understand our reasoning and encourage it, don’t write it off because it’s not textbook… 😊 Thanks!

Telling an autistic person to be strong isn’t always understood. Telling that we’d come out better for enduring bullying is also something that definitely doesn’t make sense. We need someone to fight for us, not against us! The neurotypical world is already so hard to live in, every bit of understanding helps is to feel better. And feeling better will often result in well, better results for both the ND and NT persons involved.

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We are forced to mask, to adapt, to pretend to fit in. And it’s hard work, draining energy so hard… I never knew why it cost me so much to be accepted for who I was. Why others seemed to have to do less to be equally successful. It seemed I had to put in so much more to get a sliver of the success others got. Concentrate harder, they said! Don’t be distracted, focus on the task at hand. Try harder, you’re not putting yourself out there! While several of these things can also be linked to my ADHD (undiagnosed at the time), I also hear/read from fellow NTs struggling with this. Having heard these things and not understanding how they could do better. This already cost so much energy and effort, why can’t it ever feel like it’s enough?

Instead of forcing us to adapt, it would be lovely if, perhaps to start with, we can meet in the middle. That both NT and ND try to work on it, instead of the NTs just wanting the NDs to fit in. I know in a perfect world, we both should be just as we are, but I understand it’s a process, it takes time, energy and effort. It takes a better understanding, from both sides! I sometimes hear fellow autistics complaining that others should adjust and understand. But if we won’t educate them, how can they ever begin to learn? Read it from a book, written by one of their peers and not someone who actually is on the spectrum? Learn about it from TV shows who try to portray an autistic person, but often it’s not actually an autistic actor but someone’s interpretation of what they think it should be like…

I really believe we should both be open to learn about each other. NT and ND people both have difficulty understanding each other’s motifs and reasoning. Yes, we’re different from each other and that’s beautiful. If we worked together we could create the most beautiful moments and projects. But we seem so focused on pointing out each other’s weaknesses that we miss the part where we can use each other’s strengths… Let’s learn about each other, from each other, be open towards our differences and make the best of it!

Being autistic has been hard for me. Before my diagnosis I always thought I didn’t belong here. Everyone was so different. They thought and acted so weird at times and I just could not cope the way they taught us things. I don’t believe I’m stupid anymore as I’ve been able to learn quite a bit since my dx. But I’m self taught these days and that works for me.

I’m working on being better, explaining my mind to others here on my site. Telling about my difficulties, my struggles but also my victories. And I’m hoping to add more victories to my list. I accept all sorts these days, even the smaller ones. I used to go for the big ones but that often resulted in fails. So I worked on that and… It got better! 💪🏼

What do you think? Would you be open to learn more about NT/ND? Would you be open to tell about your experiences? I sure hope we can live and learn, and be strong together. 😊

Thank you for your interest in my blog. I really appreciate your visit. If you like my posts and you want to share them on your social media, please, feel free to do so! I’d be honored. If you don’t want to miss a thing, press the follow button (you’ll need to be a signed in WP user) or scroll down and leave your email below this post. If you are a WP user and you would like me to know you liked my post, press the star/like button please. Thanks ever so much! Of course comments are welcome as well, but spam won’t get shared, so don’t bother…

Please be wise and stay safe! I hope to see you back real soon again, feel free to drop in anytime! Wishing you all the best. With love, Cynni 🌹

Some selfies in Greifenstein

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6 thoughts on “Being autistic

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  1. My ex (actually, my birth sons dad) had a brother who has Asperger’s. I always thought my ex had a lot of similar traits, and a lot of characteristics that might suggest he was on the spectrum as well. But the relationship he had with his brother was VERY negative, and thus saw the diagnosis as a negative, which was sad and hard. I don’t think it’s a negative at all. I think, like any diagnosis, it comes with its own challenges, but so does everything. And learning to embrace yourself and love yourself no matter what is ultimately the best thing you can do. I have ADHD, and I think I have some traits that might give me a qualifying diagnosis as well. I’ve just never really explored it.

    I’m glad you are who you are, because you seem quite great. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Awww thanks! 😊 And he’s, it can be quite painful if people treat me like my autism is very negative. Yes, it brings some struggles for me and others, especially socially. But I do believe it also makes me more unique and, maybe in some ways, better because I think in different ways, so I can see other possibilities. 😊 If that makes any sense…
      Thank you for your kind words. And I’m sorry your experience, may it be through your ex, hasn’t been too positive. It’s always hard when a diagnosis can stand between people.
      And I know about ADHD as well, I have the lesser known form with the emphasis on the hyper. I can hyper so much, not just in being wild but also in focusing and missing so much because of that…

      Thank you again, it really means a lot to me ♥


    1. I know… But I’ve talked to several bullying victims, most around my age, and we all got told it would make us stronger and better people in the end… It just seems like 38 years ago, people didn’t want to punish the bad bullying ones, but the ones who were the victims. We got the blame for not being normal enough, steong enough, we must have asked for it…… I know it doesn’t work like that, I still have nightmares about being bullied even now… 😔

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I am so sorry that you went through all of this. This all sounds very familiar (although not as abusive) and it has been something I’ve been exploring recently. I’m currently waiting to hear more.

    Thank you for sharing all of this ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! Yeah, it’s not been easy. But I’m trying to be open about it, to finally be able to tell my side of it without being called a liar. Or without being punished because I probably had asked for it…
      You’re very welcome.
      And I hope you will know more soon. It won’t change who you are but it may help you to understand yourself better. It sure helped me a lot. 🌻
      Have a fabulous day 🌸

      Liked by 1 person

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