Good day, thanks for checking in! 😊 If you’re new to this site, I’ll share a short recap before I dive into this. If you’ve been following my posts for a while, you may be able to skip a bit.
I have been stuck in a negative visceral circle. I had never learned to love me. I had never learned to trust in myself. To believe that I could! I often set myself up so I would fail, which then enhanced my negative feelings towards myself again. I never really thought of me doing this to myself. I was often angry at others for treating me badly while at the same time, I was doing this to myself. Kind people pointed this out to me and I started reading up about it. And now, armed with some new knowledge, I’m attacking my bad circle and routines and trying to live a more positive life.
I had not expected it to go fast. I’m so stuck in routines that letting go is a big task. I need to change my train of thoughts, and it’s running at 100 miles an hour, so I just can’t pull the break and get it done. I need to break safely, slowly, and educate myself on the positive things that I want to have in my life. The positivity I want to be, instead of always talking myself down, setting myself up to fail.
I have talked about this with friends. I have used Google to educate me. I have reached out for mental help support. Although we’re now first focusing on me being hungry all the time. She hopes that by finding out more about that, I may be able to feel better. Feeling a need for food all the time can also change your behavior and thoughts. As I’m very bothered by this hunger, I’m all for it. So we’re working on that now, and hopefully there is a way to win this battle in a positive way. I don’t mind working for it, I just need guidance and support. 💪🏼
I’m trying to stop saying sorry for everything. Especially when it’s something being done to me. I always felt a need to apologize, which isn’t healthy as well. I always took the blame, carrying a burden that wasn’t even mine. So I’m learning to say no, stop saying sorry and to speak up on my own behalf.
I sometimes wonder if I am trying to change too much at the same time. But the other part of me believes that changing more little things at once can make it easier to adapt than to change little by little, as the progress would take a lot longer (at least in my mind it does). Many changes are connected, so it could be possible to tackle them all together 🤔. I guess it’s the fear of letting go of a toxic routine that makes me doubt so many things.
While I know these changes are positive ones, needed and well deserved, the toxic bits are such a bit part of me. They have grown with me, I have embraced them as we grew together and now it’s like it’s a part of me that’s hard to “rip off” from my life. I know it is possible. I know I can do this. And this time I won’t be sabotaging myself. I will take little steps, talk about it with friends and write about it here. I’ll keep researching the changes I’d like to make online, to read people’s tips and all that. I know what works for someone doesn’t necessarily mean it will work for me. But I can always try it if I think it may suit me and my progress.
I do feel like, since I started the journey of change, of self love, that I have been more positive. Granted I have the bad days here and there, mostly when my pain levels are higher. But even then I don’t give in to moping about! I may rant for a bit, telling the world how unfair living with these pains is and then… I try to flip the switch and focus on the good things that I am still able to do. To he happy with what I have got. Even if it’s not all I want, I still have a home, a car, my loyal gall and food. I’m very economical with water, gas and electric, so I do have it but I try to only use it when needed. 😊
I am living a different life already compared to a few months ago. I still have my struggles, especially the financial bits, but I’m trying to make ends meet and make the best of all I do have. I can do this! 💪🏼
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Please be wise and stay safe! I hope to see you back real soon again, feel free to drop in anytime! Wishing you all the best. With love, Cynni 🌹
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