I’m someone who loves routines. Who loves to know about the happenings of a day. Who loves something if it feels right and who really dislikes any changes to the right thing!
I thought my marriage was right. I was too distracted to see it wasn’t. There were many signs and I just ignored them as I was happy enough as it was. I thought it would last and that made me feel secure.
Losing my “biggest love”, losing my home, one of my dogs, my security, my routines… It was too much for my autism to handle so I handled it very badly. Which of course only proved “what a bad person I was”.
I truly believed the lies and half-truths that were being told about me. People stopped chatting with me because they believed it all. I felt very much alone, especially because of this smear campaign my ex was holding against me. And like a good narcissistic bully, she played all her cards right and got all she wanted and then some… And yes, I was angry about it, still am, because I can’t believe that people that had known me for so long thought so little of me in the end… They didn’t fact check, the just dropped me when I was lonely and in need of a friend…
I neglected my health, my joy, my life… I was trying to take it one day at a time and damn, some days I mostly cried, slept and took little care of Arwen. I felt this huge guilt building up inside of me, because I felt like Arwen deserved a way better life than what I was offering her! So that’s when I started to make the first changes in my new life. Not for me, but for her! Arwen was worth more than ten of me and I should make sure she would know that! I may be suffering from all that happened, but she went through changes as well. Missing her friend, missing her home, my ex who she’d been with for almost 5 years… I found out we both needed better care and I started with her! 🐾
This picture was made when I had decided to take better care of both myself and Arwen. I’d been taking better care of her for a while now, but decided she’d benefit even more if I’d take better care of myself as well.
I re-joined a gym. I started to eat better, not more, but a wee bit healthier (and less if possible). I made new routines, healthier ones as I had not been having the best sleeping times… I felt good just doing as I went, but I also missed any stability in my life. And now, I was grabbing it and molding it into something that would make me better, happier!
I was picking up the pieces and I tried to leave the bad ones out! I didn’t need all the broken shards to become whole again. Several of them contained bad things and I wanted to keep those out! I fought to win my depression battle, unfortunately it will come back every now and then, part of it being chronic I’m afraid… But now, I will keep fighting. I always give in to it at first. No matter how much I say I won’t let that happen, it always does. I used to try and hide that, because I felt ashamed of this. But now, I am sharing it! My failures. My struggles. And you know, I actually feel better being more open about it. 😊
I hope it will show other warriors that setbacks are part of the fight. We can’t always win everything without setting a few steps backwards. We need to learn. We want to grow. We learn from mistakes. We grow by learning how to not make these mistakes a second time. And while I’ve been dancing with my dark monster since 1996, I still let it lead me the first few songs… I recognize we’re dancing sooner now. But I still need more time to start taking the lead. All these years and I still haven’t found a trick to take over the dance during the first song…
If that makes any sense…
And it’s no problem. It was an issue for me for many years. I felt I was weak for not taking my dark monster and just flinging it out of the room at once… I felt like I was stupid because I allowed it back into my room time and again. It took loads of years to learn that it doesn’t ask permission. It just waits until you don’t notice, it sneaks in, it starts playing its favorite song and before you know it, it’s leading you while dancing happily, glad to have you in it’s arms again.
I will let it lead me for a while now. While I gather strength to fight back. While I tell others my monster is back and I need to fight again. I became stronger because I now am able to openly write and talk about it. I am no longer ashamed to admit that my monster is back and it’s leading me through these dark moments in life. I want it to Walz towards the light but I feel I need to trick it into getting there. And the monster is smart, it takes a lot of planning before you can trick it. I now allow myself this time, I allow myself to fail in order to set up my defence. I may get angry because of the failure, but that’s more out of frustration because I just want this monster out of my life again.
So while I left bits of me behind, I also allowed myself to grow. And I’m very proud of that. As, during my relationships, I was being kept small, they needed me to believe I would fail hard without them. They made me dependent on them and it worked so long. I believed it all the way. But not anymore! I’ve left some of those pieces behind me and I have no intention to grab them along!
While I still struggle with things of my past, I am now able to look towards a future. Something I wasn’t able to do for quite some time. I’d been stuck in the past and I was too weak to escape. Yes I still write about it. I hope that this may help others who are caught in a same way. I hope this may show that you can overcome. That it’s definitely not easy, but it is possible… So I try to grow by writing, sharing and… No longer blaming myself as I had been doing for so long. 😊
The journey continues and I am choosing the way… The dark monster may sometimes lead me into a side path, but I will find my way back to my original route. I may miss things because of that, I may pick up other things because of that as well and… Both are OK. I live, I choose, I learn. And of course, I love! As I would not have gotten here without the help from my loyal gall!
I know I may still dwell on the past. I know I still talk or write about things that have happened… While I need to look at the future and work on that, the past still has a few hooks in me. It opens up scars at times and I wish I could leave it all behind and get on with my life now. I am trying to focus on the days ahead, I want to learn to really love myself! I know there are many reasons why I should, so why is it so hard to actually do it? 🤔 Why am I still letting myself suffer with the past, with disappointment? I am trying to focus on more positive things and I feel I’m changing in a good way. I’ve never been on my own until August 2018. I have always been with others. I needed to learn to be OK on my own. I am finally getting there, after almost 4 years. Let’s hope the other changes I’m aiming at will also come soon… I may be slow, I surely have my faults! And here I am, focusing on tomorrow. Taking one day at a time, making myself more positive, daring to love myself, maybe even be proud of what I achieved! Yes, I’ve failed and by default, I always aim at that. But it takes away my focus off the things that I did do right! And that’s where I’m trying to shift to next. 😊
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Please be wise and stay safe! I hope to see you back real soon again, feel free to drop in anytime! Wishing you all the best. With love, Cynni 🌹
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