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Journal – Week 11, 2022 – new style

Yes, I have changed my journal style before and I am going to do it again now. Why, you may wonder? Well, my routine is basically a lot of the same things. And I can keep writing about it, but it will get very boring, I assume, for you all. So I will keep sharing some of my exercises, my weight journey, the pictures I take during walks and all that. But, because I have finally been brave enough to make a mental health appointment, I want to work on bevoming an even better version of myself.

I have had a bad childhood. I have had two long lasting relationships, one with a man, then I lived with that man and a woman, I later left the man (he had someone else on the side) and ended up marrying the woman. It did not last. And while I was devastated (I OD’d on sleeping pills to try and end my life), while I thought my world would fall apart… I survived. I got a little therapy and thought I wads doing better. But the last few months, the dark monster is back again. I wanted to battle it on my own, too scared to admit I needed help, also because I felt such shame… But this week, I start my mental health sessions (on Friday) and I need to learn to live without the “it’s OK” mask. I need to chase away that darkness in me, and if possible, make it scared of me so it will never come back! And this is my new journey, to rid myself of the darkness, of the sadness, of my past.

A new week begins. I had one nightmare, early in the night. I had not taken my supplements before the night, only my mental health meds. When I woke up, I felt lonely. Not scared, which was a plus. But alone and unwanted. Sometimes I wish I could remember my dreams as it could make interpretation easier than just waking up with these bad feelings. I went to the toilet and crawled under the covers again. I higged my little sheep tight to my chest and rather quickly, I dozed off again. I felt tired when my alarm went off, but not too much sadness. 

I did my usual morning routine. At the gym, I only used the crosstrainer and the climbmill. And while they went rather OK, my legs were not really having it (I did take my painkillers so it wasn’t that). I didn’t want to push too hard, mainly because I was still feeling a bit tired to be honest, so after these exercises I went to the dressing room and then headed home. While I was listening to music I really liked and had heard before, while walking home, I felt a sadness come over me. It was the song “Same old song” by Pain. It’s definitely not a sob song, it’s more rock/metal. I’ll share it here:

Your soul is burning bright
High hopes of future sight
Beyond the horizon lays a world that’s so black
They try to shape your mind
And make you walk the line
Don’t let them steal your dreams
It’s all that you’ve got
You start to doubt
You change your mind

Songwriters: Peter Alf Taegtgren

Songtext: Same Old Song © Warner Chappell Music, Inc

I think it was this bit that got to me. And I heard the song before, without having any response… I have been trying to think of what happened, that made me relive bad memories so vivid again. And the GP asked me when it started. I didn’t know then, I had not figured it out. Then, I talked about it with my PT and what he said, it triggered something… He said that sometimes, things can happen when you’ve been “out” on anesthesia for a longer time. And looking back, things were going rather OK until my surgery. I had been out for almost 4 hours, which may not sound like much, but my last surgeries, I was always back within 2 hours. So maybe the surgery, the helplessness I was feeling back then, living with my mum again, maybe a combination of all those things made me open up my proverbial can of worms.

I ate my usual breakfast. I didn’t crave extra food, I felt rather OK with my portion. That made me happy. Maybe this would be the day where I didn’t cross that high line of calories per day…. Unfortunately, I got a panic attack in the afternoon after which I felt so darned hungry that I ate all I could get my bands on… I have been trying to recollect what might have caused this attack, as it’s been a few months since I really had one of those. I was so scared, I felt like someone was watching me, like someone wanted to harm me… It felt like it lasted for hours, but when I checked the clock, it was over within 5 minutes. But the hunger after it! Like that attack had burned at least 500 calories and my body was in desperate need of replenishing.

At the end of the day, I had done my best with exercising to at least burn off some of the shameful amount of calories I had let myself consume this day. If I could learn to control that darned appetite, I would have the body of an Amazone goddess (like Wonderwoman 😉) with all the exercises I am doing. I need to get rest in between, and that’s when I let my guard down and snack. While I am at the gym, Walking Arwen or riding my bike, I am doing ok. But as soon as I let my body relax, it’s like my mind switches to an “I need food and I need it now” mode. I consumed about 5000 calories today 😭!!! But, I am honest now. I log my binge cravings now. I didn’t do that before, only being dishonest with myself. But that part of the shame, I finally overcame. I am honest to myself and I hope this will help me to face what I need to win. According to MyFitnesspal I burned about 1700 calories while training. My total calories for today, according to Polar Flow, is 3500. Part of this is what you naturally burn by just breathing and living. 😊 I didn’t get my best steps in, 43,8k according to my watch. That is including my cardio trainings. So it may seem like a whole lot, but I am thinking half of it is my cardio… It says I walked 32,8km in total, of which I think I really walked (with Arwen and to/from the gym) about 10km. I did notice my watch also gives me “steps” while riding the hometrainer (it reacts to my legs moving forward)… So well….

Gal Gadot By Brian GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

My positives for today: being honest in MyFitnesspal, cuddling with Arwen, having a good chat with a Twitter friend, having a good dinner, getting some money unexpectedly, of which I use half for some groceries and the other half went to my 3 piggy banks. 😊 And someone I think highly of decided to follow my blog again. It might seem like a small thing, but I truly felt grateful for that and I think I should mention it here. 😊

My negatives for today: overeating, waaaay too much! Letting my darkness scare me into a panic attack (which I know is mostly out of my controll, but it was horrible, so negative). Feeling like I didn’t do enough at the gym due to my pain being too bad (so also a negative on the damned pain).

TV shows I watched a bit: Dexter (the old series), Sex and the City (the old series), True Blood and Criminal Minds.

Music/Bands/Artists I listened to: Per Gessle, Pain, Eisbrecher, Volbeat.

Another night where I had two nightmares early on. After the second one, I slept more restful, which was very welcome. This time, after the first nightmare, I felt stupid and angry. I went to the loo and headed back to bed, hoping for better sleep. But I got another nightmare and when I woke up, I felt lonely. I lay awake for a while and when I fell asleep again, I was OK. The alarm came too early, so I snooze once and then got up.

Again, due to my legs feeling dead tired, I only did two cardio exercises at the gym. I’m aiming at a better workout tomorrow. I still listened to Pain (the band, not in my body 😉), but another album now. And another song of theirs hit me, but this time, so emotional sobbing! Still, I’ll share it again here, with a bit of the lyrics:

Some people’s love is other’s hate
Depression, jealousy of other’s faith
Some seems just to have it all
But in their shadows
There’s a dark life and a broken heart

You need to break away from the chain
No more fears
And set the rules in your own lonely game
That you only live twice
You only live twice

Written by: Peter Tägtgren ©2011 Nuclear Blast

The book I’m currently reading, I’ve read a long tim ago… It’s by Eoin Colfer and called “Artemis Fowl”. Mister Colfer wrote a whole series on this young lad, if you’re interested, be sure to check Wikipedia. I’ll check if Mister Colfer has a site as well, I’m pretty sure he will 😉 Eoin Colfer’s site. There has been a movie on it as well, I’ve seen it on Netflix here. But I prefered the books, if I’m honest. I believe the books are aimed at kids age 12 and up. I read it before bed time to relax, in an attempt to get my brain off the nightmares.

Good things happened today! I got a very kind tweet of someone who chatted with me yesterday and I was blown away by their message to me. I cut away their name to keep it anonymous.

I was so happy for them, to take that step and choose themselves! The tweet made me a bit emotional but I sure felt good after reading it!

The negative: again, I snacked too much. Even with the good news, I craved food and I felt so damn hungry all the time. I can’t understand how someone could eat this much and still feel like they haven’t eaten anything in quite a while. 😔

Only one nightmare this evening, and not too bad. As in, I wasn’t afraid to fall asleep again. I did feel kinda restless. But this could also be because I had not taken a painkiller for the night and I maybe should have… 😔

My mood was rather ok today. I was happy that I only had one nightmare and that it hadn’t been too scary so I could shortly fall asleep afterwards. I still felt tired when the alarm went off but after one snooze I was able to get up “and running”. 😊

I listened to some more of Pain’s music. But I also had a mixed playlist and I heard this one pass by. So… My song for today is a brand new one. Well, it’s from January of this year. 😊

Call out in the middle of the night
For when else would I hear you?
Fall out in the cold starlight
I can save you if you do

You will never walk alone
You can always reach me
You will never ever walk alone

Songwriters: Max Grahn / A Ghoul Writer © Wolf Cousins

I’ve been reading some more Artemis Fowl. On tv/phone I have watched some season 2 Sex and the City and also some season 2 True Blood.

Things I’ve been happy for today: it’s a hard one… Arwen injured herself and I’ve been very worried. But I’m grateful that rest seems to help her, she still wags her tail and gives awesome cuddles. Plus, for the first time in some time, I’ve been able to keep my calories intake below 4000. I know, it’s still a lot! But it means I’ve resisted some of the urges. I know I can’t just flip the switch, but for 3 times in a row, my intake has decreased. I’m not there yet, but I’m grateful it is slowly going down.

Yay! Only one small nightmare at the start of my night and the rest… I was able to get some real rest. Still not feeling all there, but it’s an improvement and I’ll take it!

Got some good sales in Germany today, another plus. And a dear friend helped me get a game I had wanted for some time. So yay! Made me very happy as it arrived today! It’s pre-owned, but I don’t care as I love giving older games that still work a new home. I pay less and have something to play and add to my small collection. 😊

It stopped raining in my head today
I finally feel like myself again
Redemption’s here at last
Back where it all began
In the place where God and the Devil shake hands

This is my kingdom
This is my cathedral
This is my castle
And these are my people

Songwriters: Scott Stevens / Lzzy Hale © Atlantic Records

My song for today, as heard at the gym this morning. It’s a bit different to my previous songs. But it came up in a mix by Spotify I was listening to and I liked the lyrics and music, so I made it “my song for today”. 😊

Tree flowers

Things I’m very happy about: Arwen is walking a little better! She tried to play this morning, which caused her to yelp and limp again. I tried to keep her steady, but this was a good doggo friend of hers so there wasn’t much I could do… Plus I got a new game! Me is even more happy! Very grateful for my dear friend! I’m sure I’ll have many happy hours with it (my average for older Lego games is about 45 hours to 100% them).

LEGO Star Wars III The Clone Wars Playstation3

I woke up 25 minutes before my alarm, so I got up. Felt OK, muscles a little stiff. Did my routine, Arwen walked a bit better which made me happy. 😊 I think I had only one bad dream in the beginning of my night, but I can’t remember. Was so tired I quickly fell asleep again.

As the day progressed I got more anxious though. My hunger increasing, wanting me to eat so I’d be busy and distracted. I tried not to give in too much. My song for today:

Look into my face, then look again
We are not the same, we’re different
To tell your tales and fables, you couldn’t wait
You need a new clean slate without the dents
A place to put your pain, your consequence
When you look into the mirror, are you even there?

Songwriters: Noah Sebastian Davis / Joakim Oskar Patrick Karlsson © Sumerian Records

The mental health appointment went well. But many of the tips she had, I am already doing. 😔 She’ll talk to my GP about it and call me next week… We have another appointment in two weeks. To see if talking about it might reveal something I didn’t think of before that might be relevant. Wish she would have tips for me though, I’m so tired (literally) of these damned nightmares 😔.

Due to the stress I snacked wayyyy too much. So of course I felt ashamed and angry about that when I was riding my hometrainer. I keep on destroying my hard fitness work with this access of food I consume! I bought a notebook after my MH appointment and I’ll write things like these down for the next two weeks. Maybe I’m on a road of self destruction? I am hoping that my notes may shed a light on why I feel so bad and why I keep having nightmares.

Positive things: while in the waiting area I was very nervous! Sweaty hands, HR of 112, very scared. I used my music and Twitter to remain calm. People on Twitter supported me, distracted me, and I’m so very grateful for them!!! ♥ Because of them, I was able to enter the conversation much calmer than I would have done on my own. So this is a HUGE thank you to all of you who were there for me! ♥

Wow! No nightmares! And I slept several hours before needing the loo… Usually I wake after two hours like I haven’t gone twice before bed time. It was very weird as I didn’t feel that I’d slept that long, perhaps also because I didn’t have something bad still lingering in me? It was a real good feeling. Although I did feel tired when the alarm woke me. I struggled a bit with getting up. But a good song and I was up and at it. I listened to some Dynazty but also to this song:

I never believed that I would concede
And let someone trample on me
You strung me along, I thought I was strong
But you were just gaslighting me

I’ve opened my eyes, and counted the lies
And now it is clearer to me
You are just a user and an abuser
Living vicariously

I never believed that I would concede
And get myself blown asunder
You strung me along, I thought I was strong
But now you have pushed me under

Songwriters: Matthew Bellamy © Warner Records

My friend was joining me at the gym, so I waited for a while so we’d walk there together. While it was difficult to wait, as I’m so set in my routine, it was a good morning.

I overslept by 20 minutes! I must have turned off my alarm instead of putting it on snooze. So when I was slowly waking up, wondering why the 5 minutes took so long, I cheched my watch and… Flew out of bed. I felt awake, which was good, but when I walked Arwen, I started to tear up without any real reason. The song playing on my headphones was a favorite of mine with no sad connections… I guess something is definitely off, just wish I knew what it is 😔 …

While I left my failed romances behind me, I feel they still haunt me in my nightmares. The way I sometimes feel when I wake up, I felt when they were gaslighting me and I thought nothing bad of it. Guess that’s why the song of today still matters to me, even though I have no intention of ever getting back with any of my exes. They’re in the past, unfortunately the past can’t let me go in peace…

I live every day with this curse of the broken hearted
The pain that we never let go and the words unspoken
I cry myself to sleep at night
Will I be forgotten?
The curse of this broken heart will live on
And die alone inside of me
Die alone inside of me

Songwriters: Joey Culver / Scott Mills / Zach Myers

Songteksten voor Curse of the Broken Hearted © Warner Chappell Music, Inc

The day was cold without too much sun and it reflected my feelings very well. While I think I had a rather decent night, I could not shake the feeling of sadness. I had a decent workout at the gym, a nice walk with Arwen and our friend and still, I felt sad. I of course ate too much to compensate the bad feelings. So while it was a rather decent day, my emotions were dark and gloomy, but I hid them well… Or I ate them well!

Today’s positive might seem like a cheap shot, but I was very glad for Arwen. After I rode my hometrainer in the evening, I felt so lonely… I was able to hug her, dig my fingers into her fur and when she liked some of my tears away, I felt so much love… ♥

Screenshot_SqueakyPOP

Screenshot of a game I downloaded to my phone today (it just came out) and played. The sounds of the squeaky balls made Arwen crazy 😂 but it was a fun game to distract myself a little…

Thank you for your interest in my blog. I really appreciate your visit. If you like my posts and you want to share them on your social media, please, feel free to do so! I’d be honored. If you don’t want to miss a thing, press the follow button (you’ll need to be a signed in WP user) or scroll down and leave your email below this post. If you are a WP user and you would like me to know you liked my post, press the star/like button please. Thanks ever so much! Of course comments are welcome as well, but spam won’t get shared, so don’t bother…

Please be wise and stay safe! Follow the safety precautions, keep distance, wash hands and wear a mask when needed! I would not want you to get ill… I hope to see you back real soon again, feel free to drop in anytime! Wishing you all the best. With love, Cynni 🌹

Some selfies in Greifenstein

I am living on a disability income and don’t generate an income with my blog. If you would like to support me and my work, I’d greatly appreciate it. Every bit helps me tremendously. For more information and a donation link, please check out http://www.ko-fi.com/PlaystationPixy

If you prefer to use PayPal, that’s also a possibility: http://PayPal.me/SuperCynni

Thanks ever so much ♥

4 thoughts on “Journal – Week 11, 2022 – new style

Add yours

    1. Thank you! I’m so very grateful for her as well. I’m dreading the day when I need to learn to live without her… She’s almost 9 so quickly becoming a senior. 🐾

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! I’m very happy as well, although she could not give me any tips I had not been trying yet… But maybe the emotion journal I’m keeping may help her to assess me better during our next appointment. 😊 I’m hoping for any help as I greatly want to improve…

      Like

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