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Beating the darkness – A new start

As many of you know, I have a darkness within me. And I thought I had beaten it, after I crawled back up since the nasty divorce. And for a while, I think I was doing rather well. I lost part of my “depression/divorce/stess” kilo’s, joined the gym again, found a new routine that worked, made things work with what I had and I felt good. But I still had these mad periods. Chronic depression is a beast! As I mentioned before, I still believe my “not severe enough for bipolar” should have been labeled Mental health – Cyclothymia as those symptoms really fit me better than “chronic depression” does. But it is as it is…

And I have shared a bit about this in my journal post of “week 11”, where I started with a new style. I want to be more in touch with my mental health being, looking more closely to my feelings and reactions, instead of shrugging it off for some reason or another. I always claim to be honest and I now know I have been hiding behind my “it’s OK” mask, even to myself. While I have been struggling, I was to ashamed to reach out and get professional help. A little while ago, I took away the fear of a phone call and I walked to the GP to schedule an appointment. It still was scary, but fortunately for me, it was almost empty and one of my “favorite” assistants (she helped me when I was doing really bad after the divorce and I called in panic) helped me get the appointment.

Getting to that appointment was hard. I used my headphones in the waiting room and fortunately, some Twitter friends were online so I was able to chat with them to keep my mind in a good state… I was so grateful as the GP was running late and my heart rate was running as well. Taking of my mask is hard. I learned to live with it, it’s my second nature to wear it. I never even knew I did it, until I was feeling dreadful and suffered a lot and someone asked me how I was doing, and because I was scared to be honest to that person (telling them something meant many people soon would know as well) I said I was doing OK and they believed me. I looked like I had not slept in weeks (I was running on 3 hours a night because I was having nightmares then as well). My eyes were greyed out, I feel like I had lost the sparkle in them that I usually had (my ex said that the sparkle was something she fell in love with, and I lost it along the way when my physical health turned from OK to chronic pain every day).

But while I was talking to the GP, I felt I was hiding again. I heard myself “dumb down” on serious topics, and I felt stupid for doing it. But still, my troubles were severe enough for him to schedule an appointment with their mental health worker for me. I had talked with her in the past, just after the divorce, when I was on a waiting list for more specialized help, she had some chats with me in the mean time, as they were afraid I might repeat an OD because I was really unstable and alone in my new, scary, appartment. And now, almost 4 years later, I am scheduled to talk with her again. And she needs to assess if she can help me, or if I should be put on a waiting list for more specialized help. But I guess, just like 4 years ago, she will be there to start it all up. And I need to remember to not use my mask,

While I am scared of the appointment, I am also proud. It took me several months, many dark blog posts, some chats with dear friends, to finally find a way to make that appointment. As I said, I dreaded both the phone call as talking about my reasons. So being able to walk to the GP with a friend, going in and making a face to face appointment, still scary, but better than inclusing a phone call. Someone said, that if the mountain would not come to Mohammed, he would go to the mountain. I am still thinking about that, but I guess it’s a proverb and I have always been the worst at those. I guess there is always a way, might not be an easy one, might not be a direct one, but if you want it, you should do your best to get it.

And at this moment, I want to beat my dark monster! I want to scare away the darkness that lives rent free in my mind, that haunts me when I am sleeping. I want to leave my past behind me and not be reminded of the bullying (neither by kids, teachers, family members or my partners) anymore. I don’t need to hear their voices in the back of my mind anymore, reminding me what I did wrong this time…

Harry Potter Package GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

Like Dobby said in Harry Potter: “Dobby is free!”. I am free as in I’m living my life with Arwen as I want it. But my mind is still being held captive by the ghosts of my past. I hear people tell me all I would do wrong. I feel their judgement, even after being single for almost 4 years. After I had beating the worse depression around September 2019, I thought I was on the right track. I was positive, doing my thing, enjoying life. So why are these dark memories back? And how can I get rid of them? I am willing to work hard to drive my dark monster away. I finally reached out for help. And now, I’ll do my best to succeed. 🍀

I changed my journal style once more, to focus more on my mental health. And I want to focus more on good things. I feel like I am grateful, but not enough for it to chase my demons away. I want to be free, in oh so many ways… Baby steps are fine by me, as every small step forward is an improvement…

Here Comes The Sun Mood GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

Thank you for your interest in my blog. I really appreciate your visit. If you like my posts and you want to share them on your social media, please, feel free to do so! I’d be honored. If you don’t want to miss a thing, press the follow button (you’ll need to be a signed in WP user) or scroll down and leave your email below this post. If you are a WP user and you would like me to know you liked my post, press the star/like button please. Thanks ever so much! Of course comments are welcome as well, but spam won’t get shared, so don’t bother…

Please be wise and stay safe! Follow the safety precautions, keep distance, wash hands and wear a mask when needed! I would not want you to get ill… I hope to see you back real soon again, feel free to drop in anytime! Wishing you all the best. With love, Cynni 🌹

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Thanks ever so much ♥

Some selfies in Greifenstein

6 thoughts on “Beating the darkness – A new start

Add yours

    1. Thanks and I’m glad as well. Keeping a “feelings diary” now, where I note my food mood swings, my feelings after dreams and my overal feelings. Maybe this will help to give some extra insight.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. 👍🏻 That’s, in a way, good to know, as it means it can be a very good tool for our mental health providers to use. I assume here that’s it’s (part the reason you keep track. 😊 Thanks for letting me know!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thanks! That’s what I’m hoping for as well, that it may reveal a pattern or something that would make it easier to diagnose and treat what’s been bugging me… 😊

        Liked by 1 person

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