My life since the surgery has had several ups and downs. I am trying to stay in the up bits, as I enjoy those the most… But what goes up, after a while, must come down or so they say. 😊 I’ve been feeling very emotional the last few days, I cannot watch something sad or touching on TV without welling up. And sometimes I am just bawling like a mad woman, tissues in my hands, tears running down my face, snot everywhere. Well, I guess you get it now 😉.
I have been trying to push myself to get more active again. I want to get my muscle strength back and then, I want to make it even better. I have no idea if I will ever be able to actually reach my goal, as my fibro is really being a b*tch now, with the weather turning colder and wetter.
I had plans for last weekend. I wanted to try and see if I could row. But, I need solid hands to get the rower out and with the weather being colder, my Raynauds was acting up and I didn’t dare. I did use my dumbbells for a very tiny while. It had been a while since I had used them so I didn’t want to push it… I felt good for at least trying, but also bad because I had planned for more… It seems I keep setting myself up for failure. And I have to admit, I have not been doing the exercises my PT gave me as much as I should have… I want to, but these are two exercises I have always had issues with. When I do an exercise, I want to succeed. And I know I won’t with these. Doesn’t mean I don’t try! But it does mean I try it less. I just don’t want to end up feeling down an angry with myself too much. I want to focus on the positive.
I really and I mean really miss going to the gym!!! It’s like I am in a sort of lockdown now as I am not yet able to walk larger bits without my crutch. Maybe I could, but I am afraid to try alone… I do try to walk the morning and evening walks with Arwen without a crutch, as that’s a shorter bit (700 meters). Some days I feel stronger and more secure, some days I am afraid my leg will give out. And I do know that I should be able as I have done so before. But still, part of me wonders if my hip is strong enough. I can’t remember feeling so insecure after my previous hip surgery. Of course, this one needed donor bone grafts that needed settling before I was allowed to use my leg 100%. So the weeks I have not been able to really start the rehab, it just feels like ages now.
I know I have to be careful not to push myself too hard, but my ADHD brain would loooove to get it on! 💪 So I am trying to build up the amount of time I spend on my hometrainer. I also watch my HR while riding, I don’t want it to be too high, but I do want my HR to be a tad elevated. I don’t think it really benefits my muscles if they don’t need to work enough. Yeah, movement is good, but I think putting them to work is helping my muscles to grow again. I know my scale isn’t the best, but before the surgery I had my muscle percentage “up” to 29%. When I started my weightloss journey at the end of September 2019, it was 25. I had worked hard to get there. I know I could have been further along, if we didn’t have the lockdowns, if I didn’t have fibro and that bad hip. So I kinda was/am proud I got I up by 4%. After the surgery, first time I was able to stand on my scale, it said 26,9% (October 10th) and Sunday morning I was back at 27,9%. So still down 1,1% but I am slowly regaining some muscles. Yay!
So while it is going slower than I had hoped, than I had imagined, I am still making progress. It sometimes is hard to see a positive while I am battling with some negatives. But I am trying to hold on. I am also trying to (slowly) lose my newly gained obesity again. I’m watching my calories, trying not to buy too many snacks, so I cannot eat them all. I am trying to burn some calories with walking with Arwen and my hometrainer rides. I know I can do this, I did it before. But with my previous surgeries, I wasn’t living on my own. That’s why my mum stayed with me for a while. And I can do this, I just need to keep holding on to believing in myself…
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