Journal – Week 20, May 2022

Another week in May… The weather is slowly improving and it really helps my health so much. Less cold means a little less pain and I really dig that 😉. Unfortunately the pain and discomfort never totally leave me but all that goes, I enjoy it because I’m able to move a wee bit more freely.

It promised to be a warm and wet week…
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It doesn’t matter – Does it? 🤔

I used to think that other people’s opinions on me were very important. I’ve been bullied a lot and thought that, by not being what they bullied me with, would make me less of a target. If this makes any sense…

I was used to people down talking me and as I heard it often, loud and clear, of course I thought there was a truth in all that was being said to me. Which paved a road I started to take, a road that never taught me that I needed to love myself. Silly me, I always thought that loving yourself was selfish, that that’s where it got its name from, and that it should be so that other people would love me instead.

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Fitness – That good feeling

It’s well known that regular exercise has numerous positive health outcomes for the body, such as strengthening the muscles, bones, heart, and lungs and helping to prevent certain diseases.

One often-overlooked benefit is the impact of physical activity on mental health.

Considering the high prevalence of anxiety, depression, and other mental health conditions worldwide, countless people may benefit from the positive mental health effects of exercise.

It pumps up your endorphins. Physical activity may help bump up the production of your brain’s feel-good neurotransmitters, called endorphins. Although this function is often referred to as a runner’s high, any aerobic activity, such as a rousing game of tennis or a nature hike, can contribute to this same feeling.
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Why does my brain…

…let me think one thing and then do the other?

I wish I knew! I’ve been struggling a lot, especially to get things done. Where I usually set my mind to it and do it, I feel I’ve now been procrastinating my doing into doubt. And it feels bad because I don’t do as I want and I can’t understand why my brain would sabotage me like that. I want to do things and my brain distracts me, makes me forget, let’s me believe it’s not important at this time 🤔. I have no idea if this is just a part of the depression I’m fighting, maybe I’m getting into a new stage? I did feel better lately so I thought I was winning and then…this started to happen!

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Old habits die hard

I grew up with loads of bullying. It changed the way I look at the world, at other people but mostly, at myself! I learned at a young age that: I was stupid, I was silly, I looked like an idiot, I had stupid curls, I had the brains of a rat… All this name-calling left scars and while they have slowly healed, they’re still visible and a painful reminder of those times.

I try to ignore them, to live in the now. But because I live with routines, I guess disliking myself became a part of that. I probably cling too much to people that are kind to me because I love their positive attitude towards me. I love to receive affirmation that I’m not all those bad things. I love to do anything for people that make me feel good and… That’s been taken advantage of… A lot! I need to change but that’s so much easier said than done. I feel my brain is stuck and it may take loads of time to unlearn the unhealthy habits I’ve made my own.

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Thursday Depression Quote

Depression Quote

“It’s not all bad. Heightened self-consciousness, apartness, an inability to join in, physical shame and self-loathing—they are not all bad. Those devils have been my angels. Without them I would never have disappeared into language, literature, the mind, laughter and all the mad intensities that made and unmade me.” ― Stephen Fry, Moab Is My Washpot

Picture and editing by me with Snapseed. Quote found through Google.

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Making promises to myself – and keeping them! 💪🏼

I have written about all my struggles here. I have shared my pain and sometimes my wins. I have been open with you, that if you had the time and energy to read all my dribble, you’d know me well enough to become a good friend! Or a bad opponent!

I know I’m making myself more vulnerable in a way by putting myself out here. My blog is sort of anonymous, as I don’t use my real name. I use a nickname and people that do know me will definitely know it’s me. Especially since I’ve chosen to share pictures of myself and my dog. And I would not want it in any other way! After the divorce, many lies have been told about me. Many half truths and I just wanted to share my story. My side. I know the truth can be found in between all those stories, her side and mine. I know I’ve experienced it all from my point of view, but I never wanted to point a finger and tell all the flaws. So instead, I’ve been pointing at. Myself, mostly, sharing who I really am.

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Journal – Week 19, May 2022

A new week in May, the week where I celebrate my 42nd birthday. Although I’m not really sure I’ll celebrate as I don’t think many people are able to visit me. I also didn’t send out many invitations as I just wasn’t up to that. Part of me wanted to celebrate but the bigger part just wanted to catch up with some friends and family and be OK with that. 😊 So I didn’t want to push myself into a situation I’d feel uncomfortable with, so I decided against it, of which I’m really proud as the old me would have wanted it all! And then she’d crumble and mess up big time.

The weather forecast is a big mix of many styles. I shared the image last week but I’ll share again as it’s uploaded now anyway 😉. Let’s get started on May 9th, shall we?

Prediction for the weather as of Sunday afternoon.
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Leaving the old me behind

I’m someone who loves routines. Who loves to know about the happenings of a day. Who loves something if it feels right and who really dislikes any changes to the right thing!

I thought my marriage was right. I was too distracted to see it wasn’t. There were many signs and I just ignored them as I was happy enough as it was. I thought it would last and that made me feel secure.

Losing my “biggest love”, losing my home, one of my dogs, my security, my routines… It was too much for my autism to handle so I handled it very badly. Which of course only proved “what a bad person I was”.

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Money and happiness

You always hear people say that money can’t buy happiness. And I know this to be a fact. People with money can get sad, depressed and all of those things as well. But, I have learned one thing… Money can buy a sense of security which can make you feel a bit stronger!

Money can help loads! When I was with my ex, we weren’t rich, not by a long shot. But we had enough to accommodate our living expenses and still have some left for our hobbies. And not having to worry about paying bills, about affording food, it sure felt good! Buying a new game when I wanted, going on two short vacations every year, buying the foods and drinks we wanted and still have enough… Money doesn’t buy happiness, but I felt more secure then.

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