Noise – Unavoidable but nerving

When you live in an apartment, in between others, you can always suspect to hear noises from the people around you. Unfortunately, I am living in between some noisy apartments. And normally, I would be out a lot, at the gym, walking Arwen, walking to get groceries… But the last few weeks I have been home way more, due to the surgery and all.

And wow, I cannot wait to escape the home again. My upstairs neighbors with their elephant thumping kid… It’s an insult to the elephant as I am sure their tread is way softer and more gentle than the kid living above me. This week, the schools have vacation, which means a lot of disturbance above me… My downstairs neighbors have loud voices and an even louder yapping dog. Makes me wish some more to be out and about these days. I have to turn the TV to LOUD because the noises are driving me nuts. That, plus my mum needing to point out every noise to me like I could do anything to make them go away. Believe me, if I could, I would. I hate all these noises…

Angry Wake Up GIF by Looney Tunes - Find & Share on GIPHY

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Polar Flow – Week 42

Another week has gone by. As I’m doing better with my leg, I’ve been able to be active a tad more. I try to walk some more, sleep less during the day and I really hope I’m allowed to start rehabilitation after my hospital visit this Wednesday.

I’ve tried to remember to start my watch for every workout (which means just a walk with Arwen for now…). I think I did rather well and I’m anxious to be allowed to start using my hometrainer again. I know I’ll have to start from scratch, but just riding it again sounds like great progress from where I am now.

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Scared of consequences

The last few days I have spoken about my experiences with bullying and with narcissistic partners. I know it’s after it all happened, I know I never spoke out when it happened. And while I was being bullied at schools, I tried to speak out and it always backfired on me and made things a lot worse. So in a way, I guess I learned the hard way that not all things concerning bullying can be made better. You just make sure your wounds heal as best as possible and you hope you may avoid the bullies as much as you can. Even though that never works as the bullies have sharp noses and always know how to sniff you out, wherever you may hide.

And while my alias on this page is a good cover for all people that find my blog, I also know people I know that may read it. So even though I never name people, I know that by the way I am writing this, they may know… And I am afraid it will create some backlash, as I never spoke out while it happened. Partially because I was so “damaged” by the bullying in school, that I didn’t even see it when it happened. Also partially because I thought that was how normal relationships should go… I really did not know that the way I was treated behind closed doors was not as it should be. I started to realize it when I had survived my painful divorce and fought a bad depression where I tried to OD. Because after all that happened, I still grieved for the loss of my marriage… I really was too blind to see, or to numb to know… 😔

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Just soooo tired

Long time readers of my humble blog site will remember me sharing that I’ve felt so tired in the months leading to my diagnosis and surgery. The docs thought it must have been a combination of the struggles with my BHR and because of the metals in my blood (because of the faulty BHR). I pushed on, I kept going, I didn’t want it to defeat me and the things I love to do.

Now, with the infections and antibiotics, I’m still (or again) feeling so tired. I know the metals cannot have left my blood yet, so that also doesn’t help. But ever since the surgery, my temperature has been between 37,2/38°C while I usually am around 36,8°C. So ever since I’ve been a little warm. Which can also cause feeling dreary a tad as well.

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Journal – Thursday, October 21st 2021

I wish I had something exciting to tell you all. A new milestone, a new achievement, some progress… But it’s been another normal two days. Where I walked a bit with Arwen and with Basje. Where I got some groceries with mum. Where I watched some more TV…

I know my usual routine could be seen as boring by many as well. And I get it. Working with a daily schedule, day in and out, may be boring but for people like me, it gives me clarity. So instead of chatting about my daily life, I’ll try to explain a bit about routines. I’m “on the spectrum” as it should be called thes days. But I always called myself an Aspie, ever since my diagnosis. For me, it wasn’t a bad word… It still isn’t…

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Disappointment and frustrations

They say you live and learn. And while that is very true, we often learn things that we would not ever have needed to learn if others were treating us right. Of course there are always the people that I see as the “lucky ones”, the people that get a great life handed to them on a silver platter. People with a caring family, good health, enough money to never need worrying and to have a good working brain to learn easily and a lot to make even more money at at great job. People that find a partner and immediately know it’s the one and they get to grow old together… Am I jealous? Sometimes, I admit, I am… I did have loving parents, still have them for which I am grateful. But even though they did their best, they could not protect me from the big bad world out there…

Sad Its Over GIF by Star Wars - Find & Share on GIPHY

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Gadgets & I

Growing up, when I thought of gadgets, they were the cool things that you saw in Star Trek The Next Generation or so… Or a wee bit later, a cool gadget was a Walkman that could play both sides of the tape without needing to get it out… And then later it was even able to recognize when the next song would start, so the Walkman could actually skip a song for you…

Then we got Discmans, which were harder to put into your pocket and which skipped a lot when you walked with them. Over the years, they created some shock absorbing mechanism, making it a wee bit better. And, for a period of time, I ran around with a MiniDisk player… I got one for my stereo and then the portable one. It was so cool that you could record your own songs and have them in good quality. Plus, the player was smaller so easier to carry it along.

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